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Posted on Dec 29, 2015 at 01:10 AM

In the last two years before now I was an alcoholic, I only found out because I was able to come to my senses about what I was doing whenever I'd black out wasted.  My subconcious always took over at this point.  Not allowing me to be the thoughtful care-giving person I tried to be on a usual basis.  This other part of me that came out is darker than I am, but I can't deny that it's also stronger.  Many years before now, it was the only part of me that the light of day ever saw come out.  In those moments nothing could phase me, in those moments I was all but invincible.  This undying power came at a cost though.  I was full of rage and hatred.  There wasn't anything I could truly care for, and not destroy in the process.  People thought I was possessed.  My own family believed I was a monster.  To be completely honest, there's not a day that goes by that I don't wonder the truth of that myself.  After all of my efforts to hide it deep under these layers of laughter and whole-hearted care routines, it found a way out in my drunkness.  It was in this state, that I had been the one who was silenced.  The dark I kept burried could come out and play, have it's way with my reforged life.  I thought that by putting an end to my drinking, I could stop it forever, but now I feel like it's coming back in my full awareness.  I can feel it scratching away at the edge of my mind.  I can feel the power it tempts me with.  If I give in though, I fear there's nothing capable of bringing me back out.  As I roll the thoughts around in my mind of what to do, I am also reminded that it was Sigmund Freud who once stated the beliefs that our subconcious is the real version.  The only part of us that knows what the truth is.  What we really want under all of the posters we paste up for the public.

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