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Posted on Dec 23, 2015 at 03:42 AM

It's been about 2 years since I last posted here, so I feel it is time for me to do so again.  Lately so much has been getting to me, and I don't know how to stop it.  I just get so angry.  Angry that I don't have anyone I can turn to who understands me.  Angry that I can know so much and be capable of so much, yet be tossed aside like garbage.  In all of this anger, there is also a lot of sadness.  I've mourned for years over the death of two very important people to me.  My grandparents.  I hate that I was such a naive kid when they were in their late hours.  I hate that I couldn't have been all that I am now, and couldn't have understood everything the way that I do now.  I feel like I didn't get it soon enough.  That I lost everything all of those years ago because of the kind of kid I was.  Not having the eyes I do now, caused me to fail.  A type of failure I can't undo no matter what I try to make up for it.  So many people always told me I wouldn't get very far as I was growing up, and in my best efforts to silence them, I've only proved them right so far.  I'm stuck falling for someone who re-enters my life whenever it is convenient for her.  I'm doing my best to stay away from her, but my better nature keeps getting in the way.  The nature that cares for everyone, the part of me that wants to help no matter what.  I know nothing I have to give can change her, and no amount of time is going to do that either.  I want to move on for good..  The thing is, all of this is becoming more than I can take..  I'm starting to consider a most undesirable exit.  The only thing that has stopped me so far is that I would be leaving behind so many people I know still care about me.  Unfortunately, I just don't know how to hold on anymore.  It's just become too hard..

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