Gothic Blogs > LongDarkKnight's blogs > "You know why you are single don't you?" Part I
"You know why you are single don't you?" Part I Sort by:
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Posted on Jul 01, 2012 at 03:37 AM

Unbidden a colleague approached me at work recently and asked “You know why you are single don't you?”

My thoughts at that moment ran something along these lines: why yes, yes I do know why I am single. That is to say I have several thousand viable hypotheses as to why I am single I have just failed so far to discern a scientifically rigorous way of testing them all and determining which is the most probable root cause and rectifying it.

Instead I replied “I assumed that women were simply intimidated by my ravishing good looks and sparkling personality and my ability to lie so convincingly. As evinced by my comment regarding my ravishing good looks and sparkling personality just moments ago.” I should say at this point that it would also be true to describe my colleague as a friend also, not least because he instantly understood that I was joking.

“Yes,” he played along “it could be that. Or...”

Have you ever noticed that when you are single your friends who aren't feel in some way qualified, nay obliged, to explain the secrets of human relationships to you? No? Maybe I just bring it out in people then. It should also be noted that even if their relationships would seem quite at home on Jeremy Kyle/Jerry Springer* ( *delete as culturally appropriate ) they still feel privy to secrets that are denied to mere single people.

“It could be that you spend all your free time socialising with women and so when you are out and about a woman who would, under other circumstances, be attracted to you assumes that you are in fact not single since you are in the company of a woman. QED.”

“Poppycock” I replied “and indeed balderdash.” Or words to that effect. “So let us perform a thought experiment for a moment. I am out drinking and I espy a beautiful woman across a crowded room and our eyes meet and blah, blah, blah... you know the score.” See ladies, there is poetry in my very soul! “If I were with my single female friend drinking it would go no further?”

“Exactly.”

“But if I were with another male, you for example, then that woman may in fact think 'Aha, our eyes have met across a crowded room and blah, blah, blah' I shall sally forth and attempt to seduce this bluff cove with all my womanly wiles.”

“Womanly wiles?”

“Yes, womanly wiles, I am given to understand it is precisely in this manner that a modern woman thinks.”

“Can I revise MY hypothesis on why you are single at this point since new evidence has come to light.”

“No you may not. Why would this hypothetical woman not see the two of us and not think, then that woman may in fact think 'Aha, our eyes have met across a crowded room and blah, blah, blah however I shall not sally forth for that gentleman there is with his boyfriend and clearly I am not his type possessing as I do a both a womb and most delightful breasts?' ”

"Delightful breasts?”

“Quite so.”

“Have you ever heard a woman describe her own breasts as delightful?”

“Well no, and the world is a much poorer place for all that, wouldn't you agree?”

“No I would not.” He replied before adding sotto voce “Sodding nutter!” He then rallied and asked “Why would she assume we are gay just because are out drinking together?”

“Why would she assume I am dating a woman just because we are out drinking together? This is your theory, not mine.”

“You take my general point though?”

“I do indeed” I replied “However there is little I can do with it. Allow me to illustrate. Fancy a pint this weekend?”

“I can't, the missus and I are dropping the kids off round my mum's and then going to a dinner party with friends.”

“Indeed. Just so. A similar thing I have heard countless times from my male friends who all are happily coupled. Of a weekend they are engaged in childcare, socialising with other couples where we single folk are strictly forbidden lest being single prove infectious, or they are simply tired from a hard week at work and intend to curl up on their sofa to watch mind numbing, soul destroying, tedious drivel on the television with their partner.”

“Britain's got talent?”

“For example, yes. So you see I have no choice but to socialise with my single friends at the weekends. The problem being of course that the only single people I know are the women I have met on dating sites who I love, but only in a purely platonic sense.”

“I see. You have given me much food for thought. I shall think on this and let you know my conclusions as soon as I am able to draw them.”

And with that dear reader he went on his way. 

[ Please note: some dramatic licence may have been used in the retelling of this conversation. ]


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Posted on Sep 23, 2018 at 08:55 PM

I love how you play with words in your story. It made me very happy to read. With such wit l truly am unsure as to how you can possibly be single anymore. You are indeed intriguing. Bravo sir, I commend you on a story well told. 


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Posted on Jul 23, 2012 at 11:07 AM

so so true and i myself have delightful breasts may i add :P lol not really but one does not drink pints much these days tis usually a j.d. and coke or a honey j.d. which is very scrumptious might i also add... btw i know why im single because iv yet to met an honest guy pmsl( not aimed at you )


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Posted on Jul 14, 2012 at 11:39 AM

G I take great delight in reading of your exploits about town with said female friend and even though I am saddled with childcare your welcome here anytime xxxxx


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