Ever had a mental dissability that kept you from getting a Boyfriend/Girlfriend? Maybe for a short time, and you had to go to rehab, but you were out sometime later and feeling just fine. But what if the mentallity you possesed was permanent? What if you were told that you were destined to spend your whole life alone? That's what I live with every day. Knowing that I can never wear a mask long enough. That one day it will fall off, and the person I wanted to be with would see me for who I really am, and leave. It happens all the time. I have yet to find somebody who will accept me for who I am, I'm either better than them, or not good enough. Now I will get to my mental dissorder. I have SPD. For those of you who don't know what that is, It means you have two of more totally different personalities. They all know everything about each other, and the people you interact with, but they are all different in themselves. Most people with this have a severe case, in which they "black out" when going to another persona, and don't remember anything that happened when they "wake up". I don't. I know exactly when I switch over, and I know Exactly what happens once there. I attempted suicide in the form of one I just call "X". I don't like that one too much, she cuts on me and tells me I'm worthless. 'Raven' Is highly intelligent and does her best to keep me out of trouble. She doesn't take Sh*t, and is very confident in her abilities to knock the crap out of somebody. 'Daisy' Is who I am most of the time, I'm stupid and annoying, nothing but a screw up, and can't do anything right. Yet for some stupid reason I always laugh and smile like nothings wrong. 'Rain' Is always sad, all the time, always crying or dying inside or whatever. She's actually new, and has been coming out allot lately. She's the one who cries herself to sleep at night listening to Brittney Spears' "Where are you now". But the point I'm trying to make is that when I get close to somebody I really care about, I could snap at the slightest thing, and go off on them. They don't realize that it happens all the time. they think I just suddenly went psycho on them and like it's gonna stay that way. They're too thick to realize It's just a phase, and I probably didn't mean everything I said. So I can never date, or get a boyfriend fo fear of hurting them and myself. It is sad. But It's like my own personal curse, with me forever, so I might as well learn to get along with it.
I've been locked inside much of the same situation, I feel like when I'm around people I have to tap into a "borrowed" personality. Act like a reletive or somone I've known in order to just come up with some kind of response or humor.That isn't the case most of the time all I can manage are nods and the simple yes and no.Quiet doesn't begin to describe me.For I have no personality of my own because I can't remember what mine was like before it was stripped from me. But I wont go that deep into my own sob story.
I've never attempted suicide but it has lingered through my thoughts. Fear keeps me alive. I follow instructions well, but it feels like thats all I do.
Most of the time I feel pathetic stupid pointless and regretful, but hell you cant change the past. The only shred of confidence I have is in my ability to sing or write. So thats my advice to you, find something you enjoy that you accel at. If you follow through and even make it into career things should fall into place. At least thats what I HOPE will happen for me.
Interesting. The way you describe these different personalities is very similar to what I go through everyday, though I never bothered to think beyond the assumption that I'm just a stupid, irrational, overly emotional, @$$hole who screws everything up. I don't like to think about myself because I get caught up in so much self loathing. The worst part is that I find something that I hate about myself in everyone and seriously consider ripping through the neighborhood. Your story intrigues me enough to reexamine this much further. For that, I thank you. I fear that I may never find someone to truly love. I can never be anything more than a mask that must break itself because by it's very nature it hates itself for what it is.Anyway, I'm sure you will work things out for the absolute best. After all, humans are VERY resilient creatures. You WILL succeed. Have a nice existence.BTW: DtH AngL, That was a very sweet thing you wrote, made me cry.
My god, that was so sweet, thank you so much, It's nice to know some people have a good head on their shoulders, I hope it's okay with you if i print that out. . . I really like it. :)
Become an affiliate
