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hardtopickname

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Blog title: My blog

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My blog address: http://GothicMatch.com/blog/hardtopickname

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Title list

On fitness, how to begin, physical, output	15 Views 08/27/11
The simplest thing to keep in mind is output. Anything more than what you're doing now is more and that's a good place to begin. How I started was pretty easy. I started with walks. Timed walks that were merely nothing more than 15 minutes made just for that purpose. To get up, dress out and start. Light comfortable clothes, shorts, t-shirt and shoes then picking a route and simply walking. Over time, as I saw a little progress happening in the form of weigh ins and in the initial phase of gauging and reducing/adjusting my intake. I decided to increase the pace of the walks and start to add some other things to the daily regimen. Psychologically the walks became some quiet time set aside for reflection while I was out doing them. Over the course of a couple of weeks I increased the pace and time and noted the results. The point was the same as Zombieland rule #1, Cardio. More fuel (intake) is used in cardio than in any other activity you will do and therefore have the greatest overall impact to your health and wellbeing. You don't have to run, but you may decide to after a while. During most of your cardio routines you're using the largest muscle groupings in the body, the legs. Larger muscle groups use more of that fuel and convert the energy sources over time. The magic numbers are 20 minutes and 60% to 70% of your max heart rate by age. Keep in mind these are generalizations. After 20 minutes of work the body begins converting the fuels and switching metabolism to burn fats instead of sugars in the system. There are other "magic" threshholds but just keep the first one in mind. Do this for 2 weeks to more or less make a habit of it. Begin associating the time with time for yourself and do the kinds of things you like to do physically to positively reinforce the routine. Something to understand about this activity is this, the body doesn't stop the metabolic processes at the end of the 20 or 30 or 40 minutes or even an hour of the activity. The burn continues for quite some time following the end of the activity. Think of this as the act of heating water. You heat the water for so many minutes, it takes time for the same heat/energy to dissipate from the mass of the water. What I did was begin with 15 minutes walks for about a week, extending to 20, then to 30. I began introducing myself to intervals, walk then run, or walk then sprint. By the time I eventually made it out to 40 to 60 minutes, I found I was covering distances of 5.1 miles and had dropped quite a bit of weight. You don't have to go out to the 60 minute mark to begin to see the results. You do want to get between that 20 to 30 minute threshold though. If you visit most gyms. You'll see the cardio machines situated near televisions. Since most programs fit into the 30 minute time slot, it's an easy mental diversion while people are putting in that same time working through the 30 min. at 60 to 70% threshold. An ideal place to be for loss or maintenance. Cardio is not the only activity. While it has the greatest impact overall, body shaping includes other activity. I'll describe this in another installment.
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On fitness, how to begin, mental and physical intake.	14 Views 08/25/11
Noodles kicked this one off over the course of a couple of blogs so for those that really do want to do a thing about fitness or appearance I decided to put this out there. At the top are physical and mental. For the physical there are three key points to fitness; intake, output and recovery. For those out there that seriously want to do a thing about thier current state you need to keep these three things in mind first but first the mental. In order to take anything on you must be mentally prepared and motivated to do a thing. If at any time you find that you slip, DO NOT under any circumstances beat yourself up over it. The only thing to keep in mind if you go off track or off plan is to simply move back toward your plan. Breaks are not bad things as you'll find that changes to the routine break the monotony and are good for the regimen and the body. Back to the physical. Intake, output and recovery. On intake, no, starving yourself is not the way to do it. There are two goals and outcomes to consider here. The first is the volume of the stomach and the second being the caloric and nutritional content of the feedings. Keep them simple and smaller in volume, about two cups and try to maintain no more than 200 to 300 calories per meal. You'll adjust to hunger but you absolutely MUST eat in order to get on with this. If you only eat one meal a day, stop that shizznit now. You're putting your body into starvation mode and that retains weight and fat as a mechanism for survival. Do this, plan on 5 to 6 feedings a day over a 2 week period. Start with something simple and try to keep it small, toast, fruit, coffee or tea, a juice, oatmeal. Don't get discouraged as you intend to feed again in 2 to 3 hours. It takes a little time to get used to, so give yourself that time. Each meal is there to fuel you for the time period between feedings and overnight. Done right these will carry you over and you'll be a little hungry for the next. The adjusment to the content of the meals should gravitate around your workouts and your healing. Carbs prior to the excercise and activity and oh so important, protien and slower burning carbs within 30 minutes of the end of your workouts, otherwise the body will begin attacking tissues you want to retain. The gist of it is this, you want to put in what you want to keep. You don't want to put in what you want to get rid of, however you do need some fats. This relates to the healing processes I'll discuss in a later part of the blogs. Where I am now. For me, since January of this year, I've dropped from the 250-260 lbs range down to my weigh in of 186, last week. Measurement drop was from 44 - 46 in. down to 36 in. as of 2 weeks ago. I routinely maintain 85% heart rates of the 20 yr old range for 30 to 45 mins in my cardio. More of that in the output portion of the blogs. I'm 41, not dead yet and have no plans whatsoever of being dead anytime in the foreseeable future. I fight, I rest, I get down, I get up, I fight. I'll discuss that in more of the psychology of the thing later.
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I give up.	61 Views 08/21/11
This last one has me knocked down. They put a lot out there that raised expectations to a pretty high place but when it was supposed to come to fruition, when the cool stuff was supposed to happen it was all sabotaged and fell completely apart. Not that I hadn't had everything prepared, extended myself, made special arrangements and put life on hold. The kind of thing you'd expect a friend to do for a friend under the circumstances. Cause if you were going somewhere to hang out, meet a friend you'd totally think they'd set it up so that you could maximize the time and the experience. Believe me, I did. She was made the highest priority. It was for nothing. And that's what it feels like is left. Nothing. This one is going to take some time. I really liked her a lot and she supposedly me. Intelligent, extraordinarily beautiful, a capacity for kindness and a love of the aesthetic things, the intangible things, the experiences that so few people realize and appreciate, seeing a starry night sky, sunsrises and sunsets in places only lovers and photographers go out of the way to be, adventurous treks into places most other people wouldn't even try to go. I'd've been completely happy taking this person on as she is but not so much now, I think. Here lies the heart of a great misunderstanding. I accept full responsibility for my end and apologize. So it really hurts. It just really really does. I can't help but be left with the feeling that it was the grandest of teases and it sucks in the worst way. While I sincerely wish her no malice whatsoever, I just can't do this any more. I get the sense that I've been used and that I'm simply no longer needed for that purpose, or for any purpose. In maybe a week, I'm pulling this down. The post, the account, everything. I'm exhausted and so very very tired of giving and not getting anything in return. So this is more or less it. This is how a good man falls. The end of compassion. Burnt, thirsty, dry and spent. So it goes... Suckage For all the folks out there that I have helped out in small ways and large, I say to you, you're welcome. It's been my sincerest pleasure. After a time of figuring out what (god only knows what) I need to do differently or whatever to change things further, I'll maybe bounce back from this but I'm so so sorry folks. I'm so not feeling it at the moment and maybe not for a while. For the record and because we have some mutual friends out here, at no time were there any and I mean any nefarious intentions or ulterior motives whatsoever. Each thing was meant to save resources, money, time etc. There is no ill will or malice whatsoever and I will never speak ill of the person, ever. Complete and total honesty has always been and will always be of the utmost importance. There was certainly miscommunication, things that should have been negotiated prior to it all and a more clear understanding of things.
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the image... a conversation with myself in two parts	28 Views 08/11/11
A friend sent images on recently. A friend with self image issues that don't seem to make any sense when taken at first glance but there's far more to the story. So with permission, hers and my own, I've put the reation here. May it serve both those that have self image issues and those who stand outside wondering vainly why or even those that would dismiss these things not knowing or appreciating that all things must be taken with the context of thier exisitence. Seeing the image, floored me. And this was after you'd been "out in it" for a bit working up a fatigue and later admitting that you'd cleaned up a bit. So to painfully restate the obvious and begin the engagement within, gorgeous. An absolutely stunningly beautiful woman. But this is only one aspect of the whole.. self: I cannot believe that a person with this appearance is having the trouble with image and self image.. in some ways I see what lies before my eyes and take two steps back. Now wait a minute. How can this possibly be and at the moment is there a regression to the compassion where by comparison so many others would have good reasons to have the self image issues.. this person. No freakin way. Do I find myself a little miffed at the idea, indeed I do. greater self: You forget yourself and at the same time you have not forgotten the rest of the person. What brought her to the brink and brings us all to those same places. How many others have you known in this lifetime that have gone so far and in some cases beyond? Where circumstances beyond the surface, deeper, a view you have been so fortunate to have shown to you and negotiated. There is value beyond that of the surface and this is known truth, valuable truth that should never in any case be discarded. self: While indeed this is true, there is a struggle to return to that place beyond which is immediately percieved by the simple senses. Being human is a condition in which we find ourselves in the conflict of the senses. She ought not be in a position of self doubt, for why? Left to this alone, the physical, the aesthetic it makes no sense whatsoever. But I suppose it is like so many that have so much and yet cannot find thier happiness. A jealousy I think, plagues me, for I'm caught in a loop that I find it difficult to reason beyond. greater self: If you find it difficult to move beyond the aesthetic then fall back to your own greater senses beyond that of the simple five. Use your eyes then, my simple friend and look into her eyes. Make a study of them as the eyes are incapable of deception. In each of the images, any of the images, all of the images, study the eyes. For indeed these are the windows to the soul. Peer deeply into them and then feel with the senses beyond what your eyes envision. There you will find the means to return to the place, while not abandoned, merely forgotten, momentarily distracted from. What then do the eyes say? Place this back into the context of the greater whole and your mind will return to the former awareness. Go look and rejoin. self: deep within the eyes there is hope, there is longing and there is love, there is sensitivity and tenderness. A certain satisfaction shines through and the brightness that is truly representative of the person that bears these eyes, however there is also conflict, struggle and sadness. There is loneliness and there is a need to get to a place that seems ever so slightly out of reach. I'm taken back to the original words and as if a fraction of life passes frame by frame through days weeks and months, of the interpretation of the original message and of all things since. The movie quote strikes a cord.. McD, KFC and BK, the losses, the passive agressive and the desparate need to escape all those things, seeminly petty but not so petty indeed in some way grave. I can't help but say, no shout, run, you, run. Get away from all of that. In the mind a metaphor, run past me and I'll cover. I'll cover and not let a single thing approach, till I'm out of ammo, then out of rocks to throw, then out of strength to fight, then out swear words to hurl at the enemy, whatever that be manifest. Of the three japanese movie monsters laid in tribute at a doorstep. Digress, self, digress. There are circumstances, distance, obstacles and the everpresent need to not venture beyond what is, now, the reality. The obligations of being unbiased and in some ways detached in spite of any other thing. It's a place of safety. A difficult place of time fillers and of distractions, the daily minutae, the march forward. greater self: ... self: m -_-m (om...)
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The moment before impact...	30 Views 06/22/11
You fellow bikers, surfers, skaters and surfers can appreciate this for sure, plenty of others as well. Hey, you know, hell, I know the reality is you never really know what happens for sure until a thing comes to fruition or to pass but as for so many things going on right now you hope for the best but prepare for the worst. It's the waiting time for a few big (monu-freakin-mental) things. Things that work and energy drive and are driving well and other things for which nothing more can be done but to wait. 8 to 10 days before answers, decisions, confirmations, interviews, meetings etc. There are far smarter and wiser people out there than me that are issuing the mantra, patience. Patience. I know, believe me, I know but hyperactive brains will do something while waiting and it's never just twiddling. (brief stare at Noodles) It's that moment when moving at high momentum, maybe charging up hill or climbing, soaring or what have you when the optimistic moments have you screaming through an apex and feeling the potential for incredible possibilities. Great things right there so freakin close that they are nearly realized. Yeah,that's not the moment I'm talking about, come along with me here. When adrenalin and endorphine has you at that peak and you hit the pebble, you catch the air but lose the grip, you slip. It only takes a moment, that's all. One zig instead of a zag. Or the place where you've taken yourself into a thing but get to that spot where fate is not in your hands any longer and all you have is the waiting. There's nothing you can do in that moment. That moment. Time slows way the fuck down, breath halts, heartrates nearly pause but beat as savagely as gunshots and as suddenly as you were powering into the climb you cross that apex, that peak, realized was but a moment before now. There's nothing you can do now except to do what the body does naturally in this state. Now the brain processes quite rapidly what you know comes next. What comes next is the moment before impact. You've been here before and although you can't, you don't know what the outcome will be, you know what it could be and the feeling is all too familiar. You think to yourself, "this is going to suck", muscles tense, joints lock as you prepare the body for what gravity and mass are about to do in a tag team match that will only last one very very brief but painful round. So in anxious anticipation of what you know happens next you silently prepare yourself and in the words of one of my many movie character heroes, Carlito Brigante, "You ready? Here come the pain!" Yeah, yeah, I know. Patience.
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DIY phone study and BTW, I'm not selling f-ing shoes (!)	28 Views 06/15/11
(looks sternly at the robot blog poster selling shoes and shit via blogs.. projecting disdain. Lots and lots of disdain. So much disdain, in fact, that half a galaxy away, a sith lord just got a spasm in his special dark place! smirk) Ok so after a conversation with a fellow bohemian arteest type and after I skar-eewed up and made an iced coffee this afternoon with Über-caffinated Bustelo, super concentrated and sweet, I end up with this surplus of artistical type energy. So I set to work grabbing the "black" sketchpad (of doooom. STFU! It's what I call it) and proceed to begin studies of what the heck to do to a simple cell phone case, some studs and "the good paint". Art projects are never completed just abandoned. So I got to this place where the caffeine has worn off somewhat and good too cause if I don't sleep I'm really going to drag ass tomorrow. And I really can't afford to do that as a couple of really big things are happening soon. I looked at the product of the sketching and stood up, then paced around the room frantically like most artists do and in a moment of objective self criticism started yelling "CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, IT'S TOTAL CRAP, I can't BELIEVE I wasted art supplies on this CRAP!" Well, okay I didn't actually get up and pace around the room and the yelling of the crappage only occurred in my head as my dog is napping. And after a day of snacking, laying on the couch and watching cartoons, I don't have the heart to wake him up. This is all in good fun folks. For those of you that know me, feel free. Open up. Noodles, I'mma lookin at you bro! There gotta be at least a half dozen opening here the size of a barn door. Same for the rest o' yees!
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Lookin for "my people"	80 Views 05/15/11
I've been toying with the thought of relocating for a little while now. This is driven I suppose by the idea of finding a place where happiness can be acquired. So I put some questions out there; Where are the best places to find a thriving alternative scene? Are there some cities, locales where there is a significant bohemian presence? It's one thing to do internet searches, entirely another to actually put this before a committee of my peers, like here and a couple of other places. So throw some answers out here folks.. (tap-tap-tap feedback) is this thing on?
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switching over resources	21 Views 04/29/11
Folks, I've decided to let the membership here lapse as I'm moving resources to those things that are working. Naturally I'll still be around and there are a couple of you that have my contact info but no point in putting money into a thing that doesn't yield results. Yes there are many wonderful folks on this site however, if awesome people that have a mutual interest are separated by great distances, see previous blogs, like 500 miles to 1000's, it's just not feasible at this time to make much of it other than simple pen-pally friendships or just a little more through correspondence. Believe me when I tell you, I wish I could be a jetsetter and have those beers or be there to comfort or engage in a meaningful relationship but the reality is that's simply not possible. Note to GM, you guys should list rounded dates of activity with some factor as to whether or not a person is still engaged on this site. The dozen or so members that are supposed to be in my area, well, in all likelyhood these folks have been gone for, oh say, a decade. Talk about a goosechase. That's all for now.
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Getting lost	16 Views 04/24/11
There's a thing I do from time to time. Sometimes for no reason at all, sometimes because I find few other ways to quiet the noise. Sometimes to disconnect and to reset and sometimes to reconnect to the fundamental levels of existence. I get lost. I carry myself away from people and things and connections and gadgets. A return to nature and sometimes back to the food chain. Whether for a short term, doing runs and intervals for an hour or two or sometimes for a long weekend far from the things above and back to nature. When I was living in the Crystal River area of Florida I was fortunate to have places to rent canoes that afforded me the ability to bring supplies and access to literally thousands of islands to choose from which to setup a place to go. I call it the fish camp and haven't been for years. I managed to survey the many islands and find one that was made through the piling of sand and silt between the flow from the rivers and a natural spring so fresh water was plentiful. Trees had long since taken hold so there was shade and enough to string up simple tarps and sheets of plastic for shelter. A place to simply go and be human with anything I might need for a long term stay. There are places where ruins exist from a century and a half. These places and the sense of thier once occupied inhabitants that have a sacredness to them or even older places where simple artifacts still exist. To put hands on a thing that may be a thousand years separated from thier maker puts some things into perspective. Or places where the elements can prove to be harsh, the smell and feel of salted air flowing with the heat and humidity and placing oneself in to thier will with no means of escape such that one must ride it out. And in giving one's self no choice but instead to stay using only wit and the human strength to stay. To overland bike and trekking, crossing water, swimming among obvious hazards with a bike locked inbetween legs, using only the arms for propultion but keeping that physical memory of where you've worn your knife just in case the food chain pulls you in suddenly. Often I would only take the very basics, my trusty K-Bar, my sidearm and a small dry supply of ammunition, my bow and simple things like a spool of 30 lbs. test line, smokes, a lighter and some fresh water. I'd bring seasonings and salt so that I could enjoy the pleasure of flavor to anything I'd catch or kill for protien and sustenance. The time away and alone helps to quiet some of the noise but sometimes it's there to ask the questions that allow for solutions to be presented or to work through a thing. Sometimes it's just for the sake of silence and the time and lack of distractions to empty the mind of all thought.
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Maan I don't want to go through that shit again...	31 Views 04/19/11
But I know I will. Loverly ladies and righteous bros of GM there was once upon a time a very very long time ago I wished I didn't have emotions and feelings. That was literally 25 ish years ago and began the long walk of life that we all walk, at least while we are walking. That, of course was a totally unrealistic desire which very rapidly vaporized with the realities of falling in and out of love. It happens. This last one was one of those very rare examples in life where you meet someone and goddamn they fit. I mean really fit in both deeply profound ways and in the ways you barely notice like the little moments and actions that we overlook on the level of, like, breathing, eye movements, facial expressions, all the unnoted things we do that we never pay attention to. Insomuch as the things we know vs the things we feel.. well you know how your heart can write checks that your ass can't cash and it brings the whole system down sometimes. It did me. For a couple of weeks. There's quite a few of you out there I've read from, talked, chatted with and had phone conversations with. What's cool about that is the evidence of character that we've come to acquire with each other through these simple means even though we've never seen each other at any shorter a distance than, let's say a thousand miles. Noodles, what you say is right about when you're not reallly looking. Has to do with external confidence, confidence in self and how you wear it. That whole thing about not caring, I get it, it's really about not appearing to be seeking but rather being content. Mo, yeah man. Imagine how thrown to the left it felt to be in the shoes themselves or as the case was, completely knocked sidways out of the shoes and laying there clutching the broken bones desparately trying to self heal. Uuugh. Bonnster, there are few people on the planet that I know of that have come through the shit and are today winners at the game. You are one of three. Fierce, I have no breath. I have no words that seem even the least bit adequate, however a simple thanks will do, me thinks for the moment. Maybe, if you'll forgive me getting all new-ageish, to project some cosmic ray of support and positivity in your general direction will have to do. But I do practice what I preach. This being human shit, sometimes gets in the way, now I say that knowing much better but feeling, which has been such an asset, a skill and I consider to be in the service of others to the highest order I all too often find difficult to direct back. Lately this is done through the workouts and through reading and other things done to get a grasp which are all becoming apparent in the way of improvements. More to come in the not too distant future. Do I miss her, hell yeah. When you meet someone like that and everything meshes like it did then it suddenly gets cut off then what happened is to be expected. There's the difference between the heart the brain and the ass. Do I wish I could reach out to her, hell yeah, but I made a promise to her and to myself. I must be me and I know the thing's I'm not. Not a creeper, not a stalker, instead I practice a philosophy of acceptance even when it's damn hard and against the desires of the heart. That and let's face it. If I wasn't the person I am at the deepest levels of my character and soul, I could give a shit less and not care and just move on to the next one without even a blink. But this is not me. I do give a shit, I do care, I am this very passionate and giving type. These are the things that make me what I am. I do not wish to change that just wish that I could buffer the down side of it when things like this happen and they will definitely happen again as I do not just stay down. Do I hope she'll reconsider, hell yeah for the same reasons above but I'm still struggling with that. I know I will for a while unless I find some lovely distraction to take that as the mantra goes, out of my mind, out of my heart. Knowing full and well that in order to completely pull out of the rut that the reality is the place to focus and that reality must be that there will be no reunification and that progress in self, upward and away from that place is the only thing. The door that opens won't be seen until I stop looking at the door that closed. To add to this, a modification of a Noodles thought injection, stop looking at doors all together. This is the challenge. This is the way forward. I am up. I am looking. I will eventually find someone better than even this. Someone that does accept those things that I share and do by default in my natural state. Positivity and uplift, directed care and affection. I knew this going into it and I knew it would take time and patience. But there again lies the differences between the brain and the heart. Thinking can happen well ahead in time but feeling tends to be more of a temporal anomaly. It exists at the moment, in the moment and for the moment. There. I finally made time for this. Peace and love all. Carry on with the plan of the day.
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I found her... and she's gone.	33 Views 04/07/11
This is a repost of part of a thing I put out only a couple of days ago. It wasn't long ago that I met one of the most significantly beautiful human beings I have ever met. Seeking the geek goddess I found her. Without question she is the most well read woman I have ever met. Her talent with words with expressions of emotion and of all of the experiences through life and an acute articulation of those precious things there I've never anyone who was a match. Physically speaking, she to me is absolutely gorgeous, from the curvy figure that so well wore the retro cargo shorts to the retro orange atari shirt up through her silverish green eyes and ever so slightly crooked smile and slightly crooked teeth, adorned and decorated with the lip piercing to her faded purple hair. So soft and warm the time I was fortunate enough to run my fingers through it, like fleece. To the focus in her eyes accented by her furrowed brow, making a point, serious, intense and poigniant. It's important to note that the vast majority of you that read this will simply never get it. You just won't and that's okay. I don't expect you to as your standards of beauty are far different than mine. I'm an odd ball, born this way and quite content in it. So much common ground. The thing that defines the foundation of great friendships. Her love of horror stories and of punk rock and music from all over the map as we both put it, the humor, that is our shared sense of it. Her love of video games and of those geeky alternative pop cultural icons and references, domo. Things only people like us will ever get. Her love of literature, complex, deep. Her love of art and deep appreciation for the simplest examples of beauty as well as her confoundedness of other's ignorance to said beauty. She's an extraordinarily deep person. I got that. Her love of constant learning day to day and the seemingly frustrated yearning to learn more and more is part of what drew us together. Our shared philosophy on the raising of children in the modern age. Her love of the simplest of gifts and gestures. Those things that matter to the heart and that are good for the soul. And there was so much to learn from her, her frugality facilitated by necessity, eating as cheaply as possible, packing her own smokes, making ends meet and making it by even if only by the skin of her teeth. Her pragmatism at reusing things rather than just throwing them away while at the same time only clinging to the things of value. We spent hours in conversation, over coffee in the rain getting drenched, late at night and very early into the mornings sacrificing sleep because we couldn’t seem to break away. We shared each other, the warmth and comforts and some very simple intimacy. She to me was absolutely amazing. We had a tremendous amount of common ground. More than anyone else I've met in my entire life. But my dumb ass being the kind of passionate and overzealous individual fucked this up. It was stupid on my part, based on assumptions and there are some really valuable lessons here. The really valuable lessons are usually painful and this one is. I truly wish that she'd see it in her heart to forgive me and let me learn "space". It's an effort on my part and I suppose I'll learn it one way or another but it is what it is. In the short exchange that immediately followed the note she, rightly so, mentioned that we'd only spent a very short time together, about a week to be precise and that it became way too intense way too fast. I agreed. During the time frame that I was practicing the advice given to me by very close friends, giving her space she'd popped in and out then disappeared. My heart sank and crashed. I feel like I should have said something during those brief periods but felt compelled to practice the patience and the space I'd been advised. fail... V_V
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The Last Supper - as if interpreted by Scorsese & Tarantino	29 Views 03/17/11
A Noodles inspired blog post! After reading the last line of the last blog me thinks it's time to get a group of us together and write the short screenplay "The Last Supper - as if interpreted by Martin Scorsese and Quentin Tarantino". Quentin, in usual fashion who always shows up in the film in a supporting role, plays the waiter. Join in folks. Add actors, write opening scenes!
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t-13 days	22 Views 03/03/11
t-13 days. That's it folks. We have an agreement and will go before the judge. The agreement is the very best possible and meets all of the goals I set, is the fairest possible and is in the boys best interest. It comes after hundreds of hours of research, reading up on family law, case law, paperwork, filings and fees, interviews, consults, the digestion of a lot of advice both good and bad. This was a place or circumstance where my tendency to geek out on things has paid off. This has been a long road travelled. The gravity of it is settling in, of course. We'll always be friends and always be agreeable and work out any complications. Things between us actually got better a few months ago after she left and two months of working through the initial separation. Much in the way of exercising patience, acceptance, tolerance and compassion. My personal reflection on the last 15 years is mostly resignation to the history we shared, of course. That won't change but this amount of time is a significant fraction of a lifetime. That matters in ways I'm only beginning to grasp. Abatement, nearing the end of a long journey or conflict. These moments that near the end of a storm are where the light of the sun shines in the distance near the horizon. All of the worst of it behind and only time, to pass, for the moment is nigh. I'd be a complete liar if I wrote that I have no regrets but some very intelligent people once gave me advice. Take the things that cause concern or pain or frustration. Write them down on a piece of paper. Do something with the paper, throw it away, store it for later examination and reflection, burn it in a symbolic gesture of purging or letting it go. And so I vow to do this very thing on the 14^th day, then, breathe.
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updates and stuff	36 Views 02/04/11
Today finds me at the end of week two, back to a training regimen, training diet, dedicated gym time and focus. It's a good pain. The inital drive of course is to sweeten the bait but the obvious benefits are more personal. Increased endurance and strength, the ability and confidence to react whenever the need arises, fitness and improved appearance and blah - blah - blah, yak yak yak... It's like anything else, you want a thing, you geek out on it, make a study of it, focus, like a laser beam (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeet.. making pointy jesture from eyes) Next.. noticing something about sites out there and people and proximity. While there may be quite a few folks that have profiles, so many of them seem to be ghost profiles or abandoned. Seem like really cool folks that popped in, created one, may have perused for a short while then just left them. The result is a false sense that within my immediate area or within 100 miles, that there's a community. The reality, it seems is that there's barely a hamlet's worth of people within said area. This is discouraging to say the least. So with that last thing said, if one desires success, find the successful and learn from them. Yous guys and gals out there, if you've met with some level of success through theses sorts of things, chime in here and drop a line. Even if you haven't what's your experience so far?
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holding the line	26 Views 01/17/11
So folks after a long while it's back in the race and off on an interesting start. On one of the earliest encounters I met this ubergeek goddess. While playing everything off copacetic inside I was doing back flips. She, amazing, simply amazing, like, freakin, wow. Working on a masters degree in industrial arts and applied engineering, a cooker-type-person, grows her own herbs, common ground and lots of it, Dr. Who, Spaced, Anime, punk and alternative, oh you get the picture. Funny thing is, in other situations, emergencies, crisis management situations, where people need direction, conflict, there's no challenge I'm not up to, prepared for or that can otherwise be handled no matter the gravity or the impact. But stick me in front of a woman, beautiful, intelligent and I am disarmed, choke like dog on a chicken bone. On the inside anyway, I'm pretty well disciplined at maintaining my bearing on the exterior but inside, I get as gooey and melty as a grilled cheese sammich! So, my sense of course is not to jump in as fast as my heart desires and instead let brain put on the breaks but the motivation was simple. I don't want to do anything to fuck this up. There's the problem. Love at first sight, sure or maybe but this being the first few innings of the dating thing after literally 15 years. Aaaaaaaaargh! Brain says, lay before her the offer of time together, simple outings and as a good friend advised, a meal turned out from my kitchen, a curry. Something I've mastered. Admittedly I have mixed feelings on that last one. Two things. The first, I am fortunate to have friends that are smarter and wiser than I. Their advice contradicts but the best always seems to rise to the top. The best one, from the Buddhist, after hearing my frustrations and pining asks, why, right from the start would I behave differently than I am? Why from the beginning would I choose to deviate from my true nature? The second, when I recognize frustration I have a practice of stopping to breathe and of letting a thing go. To exercise patience and to allow for the answers or the possibilities to present themselves. As for this one, it's probably not going to work out. But there are others of course. We did meet, it went great, she did say to call. So I have. She's not very responsive but admittedly in my caution I've only contacted her twice, each time leaving it open to her. I'll give it one more attempt then write if off if it doesn't pan out. So I'm pining. Let's hear it folks. Feed me your experience, your wisdom, your lessons learned and your advice on these matters.
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progress, profiles, your thoughts if you will	81 Views 07/18/10
Well folks, for those of you that know me know that I'm taking things as I usually do, head on. So here's the progress report. Negotiations are moving along as I intended. I cannot get into the specifics but I can say that everything is civil, we are meeting with agreement and there are very few concessions, all of which are acceptable. No surprises. This is the product of education, planning and the application of the study that I've made of civil litigation. When this is over, look for the blogs. There is so much to put out there that quite a few of you will find more than just interesting. The information will serve many well. It's the only thing I feel just a little impatient about but (long sigh) everything is an excercise in patience. I can say that at 40, got things together, enjoying adventures in the local organic food stores and with the usual culinary research into Indian cuisine (5th curry made last night beef, musrhoom, onion all from the raw seasonings) still geek out over everything that catches my interest and most importantly raising the two boys here, although I don't think they will quite conquer the planet. We're working on this though so stay tuned. Still advising my stepdaughter from afar while she embarks on adventures in adulthood and study at university and all the usual social experiences that come of this (cringe...please be careful sweetie!) All the while managing a career in public sector that spans 15 years and growing. Professionally, I'm venturing into territory that I've long been preparing for but that is proving to be difficult to make a break into due to recent changes in the system. I'm getting along and here too is an excercise in patience and frustration. Mostly self generated but only because of the passion I have for it. For sure updates to the profile are required so I'll get to that later this morning. The pic is nice and recent so no, you're not looking at me when I was 20, in the Marines, running a 6:30 mile. So in anticipation of the status of things I've started looking around and it looks like there are quite a few like minded folks in my area. Fortunately, I'm patient, secure and quite content. But it all has me thinking (what doesn't) what makes for good profiles and just how much is enough to communicate at this level? Today, sexy is "I have a job, the bills are paid and I even get to take in good coffee, a few shows :) or is there more? There's the question of what am I today and what do I desire for the future for myself. There's the question of what do I desire from future friends and partners, be they casual or more serious. No doubt, honesty with self and with what's communicated is the best filtering mechanism at the immediate level. That's the easy stuff. What I'd like is to hear from all of you. What do you look for and what do you consider the most desireable aspects of each other and of yourselves? Get into specifics as much as you are comfortable and let's share info, compare notes and get a conversation going. That's the most enjoyable part of the blogspace I've found, I hope you find it so as well.
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Plug for a local venue, Pensacola area or yours!

15 Views 05/12/10

For those of you that do the beatnik thing, the spoken word poetry thing or dig good coffee, I finally made the time to stop in to a coffee house I've heard about for a couple of years.

The place is called the End of the Line Cafe. They do an open mic poetry thing on Tuesday nights and on Thursday's they serve a vegan dinner thing. Not that I'm a vegan but I do like to support local venues, coffee shops and the indie scene.

Also, I totally missed a really good punk show at what may be the last venue of it's kind called the Handlebar. It was a late show and I take the work that I do very seriously so, I had to prioritize. If I could have, though I would have been here and shot the show, crowd-band interactive stuff.

Support your local scene and if you're in the area, I'm gonna catch chow on Thursday. Come hang out!

Also, if you know of a really cool place to hang out, or a venue or whatever you're endeared to in your area, tack it onto this blog!

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Recent events, papers filed...	27 Views 05/07/10
It's been a long time coming but a major milestone was passed last Friday. After the better part of a six year struggle to do what is ultimately the impossible, I've taken the great step and officially filed the paperwork. No fault on paper just irreconcilable differences. I hope to keep it this way. As civil as possible. I'm not sure how much can be published on the matter so I'm playing it safe for the moment. So for those of you that have been through this sort of thing before, sound off. Depending on the response to the papers it could be final anytime from 30 days to a year from now. Have done the mini breakdown thing and the short term grieving thing. The two primary motivators are, not wishing to watch someone slowly but further destroy themselves and not investing any more time and energy in a person that will do nothing but absorb it returning none of it. More at another time. Gotta get the boys on the busses.
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40, life, ramblings	35 Views 04/05/10
I just hit age 40 like about 6 weeks ago and the number itself doesn't hold much significance out of context. So to put things into context and to give my head a bearing to follow here's where I find myself these days. As those who know me know, there's a lot going on. The boys are doing great even as we begin the final swim through what is expected to be a really hardcore run through a divorce against an alcoholic mom. We can at last say we have done absolutely everything possible in the way of alternatives, treatment, counseling, alanon and alateen meetings, Marchment and Baker acting, damage control, picking up the slack for her descent from functional to dysfunctional and instable. I'm there in every step along the way explaining things to them as they ask the questions, paying out for everything from the day to day bills to other peoples' mistakes. This has been life for years. We are moving on. This afternoon I have an interview for what could become an executive level position. To win means a far better life for them, the power and authority to make decisions that can positively affect thousands and the next step in a living crusade to change government and attitudes for the better. It also means greater community involvement and the possibility of ratcheting up the scale of volunteer efforts and of connectedness. I've been at this for the better part of 15 years streight. This warrants it's own blog. Finally answers came to questions I've had for many many years regarding the way I percieve the world and the difference between it and the way everyone else perceives it. It has a great deal to do with thinking visually and in pictures, the expression of and reading emotion in faces and in the hardwiring of the brain. Neither of the boys inherited this from me, so life will be a little easier for them through thier youth whereas in my case I was forced to adapt and navigate though it in spite of those differences. So, I've decided to begin the work of setting up a segragated environment for Autistic kids. I figure the project will take the better part of a dozen years to get right and to get going properly. The first phase will be doing the homework and the research into funding sources, starting conversations with the experts and the high level plan.
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Nevada's first prostidude	25 Views 01/23/10
So I get up at zero-dark-thirty and have my morning cup and smokes that invariably lead to the morning constitution. During the wait I check the usual news stories and, ah, here's something interesting. So I read a couple of stories on the first legal prosti-dude hired in a little brothel in Nevada. Certainly makes perfect sense to me, nothing stands out as unusual until the interviews allude to homophobia. That part doesn't make sense, but does start the question engine going. If the prosti-dude, Markus, chooses not to engage in sex with men, isn't that more of a personal choice than anything else and not necessarily homophobia? Give it a thought, times are bad, you decide that the 6 years of college and the degree in the current job market just isn't panning out, you're in great shape, you're attractive, relatively speaking, you dig sex and you have a talent for keeping it up and going for hours. Youth is on your side and you decide to break into a market. Yay, instant employment, but you're choosy. You won't just give it up for anyone, will you? And at a couple of hundred bucks a pop (hee-hee, I'm just giddy over that pun), you can afford to be picky. The counterpoint in the articles seems to be a requirement of the lady-type-prostitutes to engage in sex with anything that walks in the door and pays the money. This sounds like a primer for a workplace discrimination suit, fer sure. Ambulance chasers, you have some potential business here if you think about this. Grab your briefcases boys and girls! One would have to assume that like any other workplace if the above is a condition of employment then, okay. You signed on to the outfit, you do the job. However if the employer, the madam or pimp or whatever you call the boss, sets different conditions for employment for different sexes, uh-oh. Now you have a disparity. About prostitution in general, no real question there other than, I hope they do get a great health plan, fair pay and a good bouncer nearby in case the client catches a case of the 'stupids' and decides to do something that warrants an ol-timey ass-whoopin in the alley out back. Otherwise, yes, why not. Make it legal in any community that chooses to and afford the workers all that should be required to make it as safe as possible. As for the clients, well let's think about this. Certainly there are plenty of people out there both men and women that due to thier appearance will NEVER ever find someone that is willing to do them the kindness of a meaningful warm embrace other than the occasional pity hug. Oh freakin forget getting laid, cause that just isn't going to happen. The only pussy they'll get are the stray cats that hang out in the alley where they live. You get it. These poor souls should be able to walk into a brothel once a week and for the price of a lonely teardrop, BAM, be ushered directly to a woman/man that specializes in getting them enough dignity and comfort to go another week. No charge. Thier own private pity party,(sound of little cheesy party horn here) Archeologists have uncovered some most magnificent ruins of ancient brothels througout parts of North Africa to the Middle east to Southern Europe where the stalls included paintings and mosaics of the women's special talents immediately above thier stalls. I'm sure that if one goes to the brothel today and speaks with the proprieter about the meal of the day the proprieter can point one to the server that may be best suited to the individual tastes of the client. (I just can't get this image of the archeologist that found the mosaics in the first place. Telling the rest of the crew "Nah, you go on back to camp, I want to study this ALONE for just another 15 minutes. I'll catch up later and wash up.")
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