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Woke up low
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26 Views
10/23/11
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Well this evening I was suppose to meet my new fella's alter ego, but he cancelled it, due to lack of funds and nerves. It kind of left me feeling really down this morning. I dont fully know why, maybe its because I felt as though he still doesnt fully trust me enough.
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Long time gone.
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26 Views
10/18/11
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Well I havent been on for a few years, and will admit I have missed some of the guys and girls I used to chat with on here. In my time of absence I have moved closer to town, started a degree, for which I am now on my final year. Had my closest friend die, which has made me re-evaluate my outlook on life and my hang up over age gaps.
I've grown my hair, I've permed my hair and I've cut my hair.
I started dating someone at beginning of year which in the end or though in the bedroom was very good, has caused me to lose even more faith in men, after discovering 3 months in that I was just secret liasion for him.
I have had a move to Gosport fall through, and then on a spur of the moment night out three weeks back I met someone, who I have been dating since. This weekend I had a sneaky suspion about him confirmed, and I guess that is why I have come back here. A place where I can express my thoughts and feelings openly without worry, and know that overall only good counsel will be given to me.
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?? Be my Valentines
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56 Views
02/14/08
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Remember today IS the day for us SINGLES!!!
What poor unfortunate person shall I chose to ask to be my valentine..ermmm I think I will cause suffering to..............................
Skyshadow will you be my valentine?
I got 8 months for this to be forgotten before I have to face my selection...phew, so plenty of time for my embarrassment to die down :D
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Valentines Day Fun
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33 Views
02/13/08
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Yes we are singles, but guess what, that means tomorrow is for us, to send flirts/messages to people WE like. Its not for couples and spending shed loads on a partner, but for us singles to be willing to make fools of ourselves and say to another (hopefully) single person, Hey I like you. So why don't we all have the guts tomorrow to stick a single valentines message on the blogs to someone we like
?? Be my Valentines
Edit: Also think it is the one day in the year when dating sites should allow its members full access weather they pay or not.
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Bored as FEK
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25 Views
02/07/08
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So bored of late. Wednesday are not too bad as part of my evening is taken up with sign language course, then food bargain hunting around Asda, followed by NCIS and double bill of CSI.
its all the other evenings that are such a drag. Never anyone much to chat to on-line, apart from my ncis and csi programs nothing i am interested in watching on tv.
Would just be nice to have peeps to chat to on-line and such over the age of 12.
Have started doing lots of home-made cooking from scratch rather than ready made, but that only takes up so long of my time. I am waiting to join a Salsa class on Friday evenings just to get me out and to do something different, since I am not bothered about going out and just getting slaughtered.
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So Little to want, but too much to Ask for!!
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54 Views
01/20/08
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Realised the other day that I actually lost faith and intimate emotional trust in men years ago. I have managed to hide this fact from my self by hiding it under my general respect for men, and the fact I get on pretty well with them. But I no longer trust the when it comes to what their interest in me is.
The main things a man can say to me that really pisses me off and angers me is, "I don't think I am the right man for you. I would love to see you happy and with someone who can make you feel special. Your a lovely person and deserve it."
So I take it I don't know my own mind and cant tell what kind of man I think is right for me? Why can't any of them have the guts and turn round and say, I like you as a friend, yes i want to screw you sense less, but YOU are not the right WOMAN for ME. Your just a darn good stop gap till I'm ready to offer my emotions to someone else.
So sick of it, 9 yrs roughly I have had the same spiel. Everyone wants to see me with a man that makes me happy, but non want to be that man, nor make me happy.
What do I want to be from life, I want to be that little homebody, i want to make meals for someone, someone who appriates my home-made bread and soups. Someone to snuggle up to them at the end of the day. I want to be allowed to show my emotional side and possibly the chance to express my romantic urges, which I have near on murdered as it seems I'm not meant to have romance in my life. Someone to lay and just relax soaking in the bath with.
I want to be able to make someone feel special and feel special in return. I want to actually be loved and allowed to show my love to another without them freaking out and giving me the whole I'm not the right man for you crap.
I want someone who is willing to hold my hand in public, and hold me protectively in a crowd. Someone to share joys and sorrows with. Someone to draw budgets up with and make plans. I want to feel wanted and needed. I would like to have my faith and emotional trust in men returned.
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Bleeding Heck been asked on Date
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92 Views
11/04/07
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As I have finally given up on any romance coming my way, I have been asked on a potential date, consisting of the guy making me a meal.
Thing is I have become so self conscious and self esteem is at its lowest, that I am worried that all he wants is really a friend with benefits. This is something I chose no longer to participate or entertain two years ago.
Truly in two minds whether to accept or not. There is a slight history there, not much but enough for me to feel cautious.
Admittedly when I first signed up to this site, the description that I had under My Match/friend, described how this guy made me feel on the one date that we had 3yrs back and that was without any physical contact.
I don't know, I am filled with so much doubt and confusion. I don't want to allow my desperate loneliness to cloud my thoughts, and make more out of what ever happens.
I refuse to do the friends with benefits act, I am ready and want a relationship, but i know i cant rush such things, but worry over how his physical presence will effect me.
Yes I admit I would dearly enjoy locking myself in a bedroom with him on a Friday evening and not emerging until the Monday morning, but not for just casual sex.
The other thing is my flaming ulcers have reappeared again, which makes me glad its not for a fortnight yet, but also annoys the hell out of me, as I could have suggest a simple walk before hand, where i would be safe from any beds/carpets/floors.
I don't know, perhaps i need slapping with a wet kipper.
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Other News
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9 Views
07/13/07
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In other news, I have been spending way too long on WOW I know have a level 21 undead warlock called TaintedRose who can be found on the rhelm sporeggar. also have a few other charators but their not as high a level. I really really do need a life, and someone to have a cosy drink with in an evening, especially when the kids are at thier father's house. Also I am so sick of this rain, i feel like i am living on the set to The Crow. Have to admit, I did make use of the floods and torrantial rain earlier on, which is why I was finally able to weed my garden (deep roots) as teh soil had become so soft even I could dig down deep with it...lol.
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Boredom Brings me back
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46 Views
07/13/07
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Well I am back. Nothing has changed so far in my life, still single, still lonely oh and I failed my courses.
What Have I done whilst I haven't been here, well I spend a lot of time on MSE, my front garden is almost organised and now looks twice as big with the new lawn that I have laid over the old weed patch and waste of path space. Back garden looks bigger just for moving a few things around and grass the weed patch I used to have there, still got the patio's to lay. House is a bit more organised, and seem to have trillions of empty bank accounts now, from just having one empty bank account when I left. So still not going to be a gold member.
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Self Pleasures
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110 Views
03/29/07
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Ok I am trying to learn to pamper myself, maybe this way i can gain some self-confidence. I have plenty of self respect, just lack the confidence to go with it.
Anyhow back to pampering myself, I have started attempting to take 'relaxing candle lit soaks' in the bath (got that much smellies last Christmas) First i light the candles, pour the 'relaxing' scented bubble bath under the seething hot water and wait for the bath to fill. Once filled i lay in the bath for so long (have managed to get it to five minutes 'before' i do anything else) then i get my hair washed and conditioned, then I get the clean and clear facial wash on to my face, (been ever so spotty since quitting smoking)then I use the very expensive body wash i got from my boss at christmas (before i had to pack in work, everyone else got booze but since i am t-total). Then i try and soak for a few more minutes (about 3) then its shave time, before getting out of the bath. So far I have managed to stretch this to 20 minutes. I am aiming at an hour.
After my bath I dry off and put on one of my short satin nighties, brush my hair , sometimes putting it into two short Heidi plaits, sometimes leaving it normal, to just dry natural.
Then grab a coffee and killing an online before curling up by myself (unless i have been beaten to it by kids or animals) in my bed.
By the way here is a pic of the baby i bought baby grows for, isn't she just the tiniest thing ever
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Moving foward
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42 Views
03/07/07
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Can someone please do me a favour and ram my ex's head into a concrete wall, barring that just get it through his thick skull that moving forwards with his life after his marriage breakup does not mean 'chasing me' mother to his almost 8 year old child. Oh yeah, we split up with in days of me falling pregnant and he was engaged to his now soon to be ex wife by the time I found out i was pregnant. My son has a sister that is 6months younger than him.
If I go out to my regular pub in Doncaster, he is always there, and stares at me or anyone I am talking to/with. This weekend just gone an old male friend went into the pub specifically to get my number as he had recently bumped into an old female friend of mine that I haven't seen in a good 14/15years. Anyhow he thought it would be great to get us reunited.
As it was the person he went to get my number from wasn't in, but my son's father was, who just had to interfere and actually call me himself rather than give my male friend my number. Anyway I managed to talk to my friend and sent him my mobile (which ex doesn't have) and am now waiting for a date to be set to meet up with my female friend (its going to be like begin 18 again)
I digress, my ex who I have told multiple times I have turned t-total a good 16months back calls me THREE times yesterday to ask me if i would like to go for a beer or a meal.
A couple of months back I heard banging on my door at midnight Sunday night (this was whilst i was still working and had to get up at stupid hour) I refused to answer and an hour later i heard someone trying my door. 10 minutes later I peeked out the window and there way the ex in my neighbours garden trying to see into my house. during this time my house phone had been ringing something stupid.
The very same night because i didn't answer the door or phone to him he called my mother, to say he just wanted to speak with me, and did she know if I was home or not. She told him I was probably sock on asleep as i had to be up at 5 for work.
This has happened a few times.
I now refuse to go out, as its not like I can have a date or meet anyone with Mr Neanderthal hovering over me.
I desperately want to move forward with my life but I have this piece of luggage following me, which has left me feeling uncomfortable and even guilty towards anyone I may meet. No one needs this sort of headache through meeting me, and neither do I.
update, He is still bloody Phoning me. He called again 10 o'clock tonight. Told him I was workig on my dolls house and put the phone down. Then ran around deadlocking everywhere just incase eh takes it into his head to turn up.
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Fear
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118 Views
03/15/07
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Ok I admit it, I am petrified of two things, Needles and spiders.
Well other day i had to have two needles from the dentist and now i have a giant spider at top of stairs, and no one to get it for me, so to go toilet i just had to take a hammer with me to scare it off so i could get past. Admittedly i wanted to flatten the horrid thing, but it was too fast and my fear kept me too far, its now 'somewhere' on the landing. Seriously thinking of NOT going to bed tonight.
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The Re-awakening
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20 Views
03/13/07
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Here I will store my latest set of frustration's, stored in words, stored as a daydream stored as a story.
They had been sat just enjoying one another?s company. He had been resting on the sofa, whilst she had taken her usual seat of sitting on the floor and just resting her arm on the sofa cushion. The conversations had been fun and full of merriment, so much so that she had started to cry from laugher. Closing her eyes she went to wipe the tears away. Suddenly she felt his fingers tracing the stream of tears, his thumb slowly brushing under her lashes and lifting the tears from one eye. Opening her eyes, she saw him looking at her with such an intense gaze that she couldn't look away. Slowly he lifted his now tear stained fingers to his mouth and kissed the tears from the tips, never taking his penetrating gaze from her.
Keeping their eyes locked, he reaches down and cups her face within his hands. Slowly he raises her to join him on the sofa. She feels mesmerized by the motion of his thumb sweeping up and down her cheekbone, gently caressing it and making her skin tingle. She notices how his smile is no longer playing across his features, instead he has a look of intensity and determination on his features. She realizes that his eyes are snapping a challenge at her. I will break down your walls and find the hidden you they are saying. I will make you quiver and yearn, plead and beg, give up all your secrets and fears to me.
She worries he will discover how empty and hollow she has become. How inside there is no longer a beating heart, just a lump of ice. Fear has done this to her she knows. Fear of rejection, fear of being classed a freak. She remembers how once she had had confidence, and shame had not been apart of her world. That had been along time ago, before she had had to hide and curb her own desires. To become what she wasn?t.
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For a Locked Door
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61 Views
03/11/07
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I want to kneel down besides you. To run my hands across your head and cup your jaw within. To lift you face to really look at and see me. To trace your smile with my finger tips. To trail my hands down your throat and across the width of your shoulders. To feel the contours of your arms as i seek out your hands. To entwine your fingers within mine and lift your knuckles to kiss. To draw tiny circles upon your inner wrist with the tip of my tongue. To plant whispering butterfly kisses along the length of your nape. To rest my lips upon the back of your shoulders. To chase your spine with the flickering of my tongue. To rest my head against your chest and rake across your stomach. To flick your nipple with my tongue and suckle like a babe. To run my hands along the length of your torso and grab your waist close. To know you and have you know me. To be the key to open the door you have decided to lock yourself behind.
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DILEMA2nd 3rd even 4th opinion required
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156 Views
03/05/07
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Here is the deal, I fekked up doing my hair today, I felt like a change, and decided to go a rather lively red, well i went to strip the black out of my hair and it hasn't quite worked out how I wanted. So I called my mate and asked her if she would cut it for me, its quite easy you can see the dividing line between red and black. Anyway she has refused till i get a second opinion. She likes it and thinks its really good, I think it looks wrong. She feels it would be a crime to cut my hair as its once again at the longest i have ever had and to have just the one colour will leave my hair at about 2inch long. Will put one pic on here and the others on my profile,
The question therefore is ...
To cut or not to cut???
majority votes and outcome date is Friday.
Due to major split ends have gone for a halfway deal. I cant still do heidi plaits but 5inch of split ends have gone, I have updated my pictures too. But its no where near as short as I was considering (2-3inch length)
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a weekly torment, what happened to it this week??
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32 Views
03/04/07
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Now I don't know about the rest of you, but I enjoy receiving my weekly torment blog every week. It always picks me up if I'm down, makes me laugh and reminds me not to take life too serious 24/7. Come on MrSane, we need your strange and unique humour to keep us going. All those that are suffering withdrawal symptoms like myself, give a hand to the insane mrsane and ask for more!
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6 Babygrows later
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85 Views
03/03/07
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Yes I have been shopping for baby clothes. No I haven't had a secret baby nor am I pregnant, but I bagsie the position to play fairy gothmother to Georgie. My mate's daughter gave birth yesterday to a little girl at 1lb12oz, for those that don't understand such things, fekking tiny. Having given birth to two premature children myself, I know how it feels not to have any clothes for your new baby to go into. This child has been born at 27weeks gestation, so obviously she has caught her parents right out. anyhow after browsing a well known on-line shopping site i managed to bid and win 6 brand new low birth/prem baby grows. Also found a few speciality sites that do incubator safe dresses and other baby clothes, so have ordered two dresses on behalf of the over thrilled grandmother. This is the sweet little special bundle of joy i am trying to cloth.
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