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Sandwich Gravy
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43 Views
06/18/10
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So, I'm watching t.v. the other day and an Arby's commercial comes on advertising one of their many tasty, artery-clogging sandwiches. I don't recall which one it was, but it was one of the ones that comes with an au jus dipping sauce.
Now, some may be wondering what exactly "au jus" is. Unless you're a food geek, this may not be part of your vernacular. According to Wikipedia, au jus is French for "with [its own] juice". Jus is the juice itself. In French cuisine, jus is a natural way to enhance the flavour of dishes, mainly chicken, veal and lamb.
Sounds good, right? Problem is, Arby's is not exactly a high class dining establishment. Frankly, I'd be surprised if there weren't deep fried critters in with the curly fries or if the special
"seasoning" on them doesn't just come from the fries being dropped on the floor.
More likely than not, the use of the term au jus is clever marketing ploy to make Arby's sandwiches sound yummier and, to the consumer subconscious, fancier.
Yeah, 'cause nothing says "high class" like processed cheese and meat that may or may not actually be roast beef.
Now, don't get me wrong. I like Arby's (but then I also like White Castle, so that's not really saying much). I don't knock them for trying to push their product any way they can. After all, shoving products down the consumer gullet ad nauseum is the American way. The issue I have with the fast food version of au jus is the second part of Wikipedia's definition:
"Often prepared in the United States is a seasoned sauce with several additional flavourings. American recipes au jus often use soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, salt, pepper, white or brown sugar, garlic, onion, or other ingredients to make something more like a gravy."
The key word there is "gravy". Gravy! Fast food au jus is, in essence, sandwich gravy. Because that's just what a sandwich made of cheese and (alleged) red meat needs, right? Gravy.
I won't pretend like I'm the poster child for healthy eating. . . not unless Ramen, cheesecake and red No. 40 are part of the major food groups now, but there's just something wrong about gravy on a sandwich. Kind of like that bacon cheeseburger made of donuts. Bacon cheeseburgers are great. Donuts are great. But they don't belong together.
I mean, you can see through an Arby's bag by the time you get home when there's just a regular sandwich in there. Do we really want to throw gravy into that mix? It's worse that putting ranch dressing on a deli sandwich. A deli sandwich can actually be pretty healthy if you put the right things on it. Ranch dressing destroys it. Actually, ranch dressing destroys everything it's on. The fat content is astronomical. Now imagine putting something like that on a sandwich that is already a cardiovascular nightmare. May as well book your triple bypass now.
Personally, I believe American au jus and ranch dressing are a conspiracies cooked up by good people that bring you "insert-any-fad-diet-name-here". I mean, they gotta move those books somehow. And it totally makes sense than not eating bread will make up for sucking down milkshakes for ten years. Right?
Right.
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Accident Forgiveness. . . Street Style
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90 Views
03/23/09
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This morning as I was driving to work, I was following a white Chrysler PT Cruiser that had a very noticeable dent in the back of it. Though it was still in once piece, it had a sort of crumpled pattern to it like someone had really rammed the hell out of. Now, it doesn't really take much to damage a Chrysler. Honestly, if you even look at them funny, they fall to pieces. And Chrysler used to make a damned fine car. *sigh* Thus perishes American craftmanship.But I digress.
Of course, there is a chance that the driver accidentally backed into something and fucked it up him/herself. But the way people in the city drive, I am almost certain that the dent was due to someone else's careless driving.
Rush hour on the expressways of Chicago is like an every-man-for-himself demolition derby. It is seriously nuts; so nuts that I (ME, of all people) sometimes prefer to take the bus to work just so I don't have to deal with it. And I HATE the bus. It's that bad. But I also get serious road rage, so sometimes its safer for everyone when I don't have a twoton automobile at my disposal.
Anyhoo, the Chrysler got me to thinking about how it feels to have someone else damage your car. God knows, this has happened to me more than once; as recently as last summer. My brand new car. . . . *sigh* I seriously could have strangled that dude to death and never thought about it again. His attitude about the whole thing made it even worse. He was a jerk to the 10th power. I wanted to smash his face. Of course. . . there's the whole assault thing and I'd rather save the bail money for when I really need it. And believe me, it's coming.
I think there just aren't enough consequences for people who drive like assholes. I mean, you get a fine. Your insurance rates go up. Big damned deal. We need to enact something a with bit more impact. My idea: I think the victimized driver in every accident should get to hit the at-fault driver in the head as hard as possible with the heaviest thing they have in their car at the time. Smart, huh?
Think about it: If there is a chance that you could get clobbered with The Club (which, incidentally, is the heaviest thing I currently have in my car), you'd drive a bit more carefully, wouldn't you? And you know if this got passed into law there would seriously be people riding around with lead pipes and baseball bats in their trunks.. . . well, there'd be more people riding around lead pipes and baseballs bats in their trunks. Personally, I think I'd upgrade to a sock full of marbles or a board with a nail in it. That shit would hurt.
Also, the biggest person in the car would be the one hit the at fault driver and no, I don't care if it's a 6'4" dude vs. a 5"-nothing woman. Bitch, needs to watch where she's going.
For accidents where both driver's are equally at fault, they could both just punch each other in the stomach as hard as possible. It's only fair.
For old people, the cops could take all their pill bottles and dump them in a bag and the other driver could reach in and pick one then the old coot would have to go without whichever med they picked for 1-5 days (depending upon the severity of the accident).
Sounds like Utopia, doesn't it?
Be sure to write your congressman.
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Why I Will Never Go Back To Navy Pier IMAX
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41 Views
03/12/09
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So this past weekend, the movie Watchmen was released. Being a geek, I was psyched. I love the superhero genre and that's even despite the horrid comic-to-movie translations that general audiences have been inflicted with in the name of the almighty dollar (Spawn, Barb Wire, X-Men: The Last Stand, Spiderman 3, The Incredible Hulk, the Punisher just to name a few). There's just something about seeing your favorite superguys and gals depicted in live action . . .
Of course, there is always that dreaded book-to-movie curse you have to watch out for. It's usually about even odds that a written work will a)translate well to the screen and b) get a screenwriter and director who will execute it the way it deserves be. More than one book has died a horrible death in the theaters because the director was more interested in looking after the studio's bottom line than to trying to maintain the integrity of the author's work.
Anyhoo, back to Watchmen. This isn't your everyday ordinary comic, very adult-oriented and very dated actually, but that doesn't really take away from the enjoyment of it. I had heard about this comic for years, but had never ventured to pick it up until just before it was going to be released as a motion picture. I HAD to read it first. Why? See above. A bad movie can completely ruin a good book's rep. I didn't want to see the movie before giving the book a chance.
I was not disappointed. The comic was awesome, very different from your normal DC Comics fair. It was very gritty, bleak really and had a depressive aire about it. The story was engaging and the characters even more so. There is a definite sense of these "heroes" being exactly what they would be if they were real people. . . . and man, was it creepy. They were psychotic, narcissistic and the one character that had superpowers was so detached from his humanity he couldn't even really function in everyday contexts. I loved it.
However,
I did not really think that it would translate well to a movie. There were so many subtle nuances, so many subplots that it would have been necessary for the movie to either be really long or for the screenwriter to cut out a decent amount of stuff. Now, personally, I can sit for a long movie if it's well done e.g. Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings. But we know Hollywood, right? They think we all have the attention spans of two-year olds. Everything has to be dumbed down and and there's got to be lots of loud noises and shiny things to keep us engaged. But more on that later.
As I said before, I was seriously psyched about this movie. A friend drove in from out of town so we could catch a midnight showing at the Navy Pier IMAX. I mean, for a movie like Watchmen, with so much potential, you can't really settle for anything less. So we got there in plenty of time, got our tickets early ($15 instead of the usual $10 because, hey, it IMAX and IMAX is awesome, right?) and just started to hang out until midnight.
Now, there's only two screens at this IMAX. One was showing Watchmen and the other was showing some educational thing about. . . whales? *shrug*. If you ask me, they should have been showing Watchmen on both screens. They could have made way more money, but I guess that would have made too much sense and, as the night wore on, it was patently apparent that these folks didn't have a lot of sense.
So it gets to showtime and there are like 100+ people standing around waiting to get into the theater. You would figure they would start letting people in around 11:45ish so everyone can get situtated and the movie can start right at 12. 11:45 rolls around and we are still in the lobby. 11:50: still in the lobby. 11:55: still in the lobby. Midnight: still in the lobby and getting pissed. 12:05: still in the lobby. Officially pissed. 12:10: still in the lobby. Fucking pissed.
So, finally it's 12:15 and what happen's? People start coming down the stairs next to where we are standing in line. What does this mean? It means the last showing was fucking running late and they didn't even have the decency to say anything! Bastards. Of course, we were super extra pissed when we realized that, in all likelihood, we were about the get ushered into dirty theater. That's right, we paid $15 to get our shoes stuck to the floor for two and a half hours.
About 5-8 minutes after the last person from the 9:00pm show leaves, we get let in. . . . and it's just what we imagined. The theater smells like stale popcorn, sweat and "sticky". What is "sticky", you ask? "Sticky" is the smell of dried up soda on a concrete floor. I call if sticky, because, you guessed it, the shit glues your feet to the floor, then gets stuck to the bottom of your shoes where it stays until you happen to walk through some water something. Meanwhile, you're getting rocks and all kinda of other miscellaneous crap stuck to your soles.
There was also spilled popcorn, empty candy wrappers and all kinds of other miscellaneous trash everywhere. It was disgusting. I felt like I was at a theater in the hood, except nobody's cell phone was ringing and no babies were crying. Wouldn't have been half surprised if there'd have been a driveby after the show over.
And to add to the joy of our movie experience, we got to have about 15 other people climb over us to get to their seats, including one fat girl with a fist full of candy.
Of course, by now I'm thinking "this better be the best movie since the invention of the motion picture".
It wasn't.
After reading Watchmen, I knew there were only two possible outcomes for this movie: it was either going to awesome or it was going to be garbage.
Overall, it was garbage. Sorry, but costumes and gratutitous sex and violence does not a movie plot make. The worst part was that it had such potential. They glossed over a lot just in the opening credits. Then for a while, it went on okay. . . until the end. They changed the ending. We were livid. There is nothing I hate more that when a movie randomly changes the ending of a book. Don't get me wrong, I understand why they did it. After having cut so much out, the original ending was unsustainable, but I hate when people take those kind of liberties with a writer's work just to cater to the masses.
As a writer myself, I can't imagine someone taking something I wrote and just changing it without regard for the effort that went into it. Hollywood should know by now that you can't please everyone. So why the hell do they keep trying? Doing something like that to a writer's work is more an insult that a tribute. Would you change the end of Romeo & Juliet so it has as happy ending? No! It's Shakespeare goddammit! You don't change Shakespeare!
And while not every author is Shakespeare, it doesn't for a moment mean that the same blood, sweat and tears didn't go into producing any given written work, that it doesn't deserve similar respect Gah! I guess I should have been clued in that it wasn't going to end well when there was an explosion in the first five minutes of the movie.
We walked out on the ending. Fuck that movie and fuck IMAX for stealing my $30.
I'll see you both in Hell.
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Splenda Does NOT Taste Like Sugar
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67 Views
02/18/09
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So I was standing in the kitchen at work today passing the time while I was brewing some tea. We have t.v.s all over the place at work and the one in the kitchen was tuned to CNN. The news had just went to break and like the second or third commercial in was an advertisement for Splenda. Everyone know Splenda, right? It's the fako sugar in the yellow packet and box. Anyway, the commercial was expounding upon the wonders of Splenda by explaining how splenda starts with sugar, tastes like sugar but it's NOT sugar. Then of course is your requisite scene with a couple of kids running into mom's kitchen to a tray of homemade cookies that are, supposedly, made with splenda.
So the camera cuts to the little girl biting into a cookie and the look on her face plainly says "This cookie tastes like shit". Now, this makes sense because practically anything made with splenda tastes like shit. Why? Because Splenda does NOT taste like sugar. And anyone that says it does needs to have their tastebuds examined.
Now obviously, I'm not a fan of the fako sugar. I LOVE sweets and there is absolutely nothing like the real thing. Yes, I know it's not good for you in large quantities, but neither is sunlight. That hasn't stopped people from going outside though. A good old fashioned treat made with real sugar is not gonna hurt you every once in a while. There is no need to cheapen a perfectly good cookie with splenda, Equal or any other gross sugar substitute. It makes baby Jesus cry.
Artificial sweeteners have a palpable aftertaste and it is not a good one. And there isn't any appropriate way to describe it either. Kind of like just-brushed-your-teeth aftertaste except that one has hints of flavors you can describe, like mint.What's the aftertaste of splenda? Some miscellaneous chemical that I can't spell.
And the real kicker to Splenda and other no-cal sweeteners is that they DO have calories. The company just fucks with the serving size and packing to get it under the guideline of what the FDA defines as a no-calorie food. So if you stand there and put 10 packets of splenda in your coffee, you may as well have just put half as many packs of sugar in. It's almost the same thing.
Splenda, in particular, is mostly made by chlorinating regular sugar. Mmm. . . . chlorine. . . .*drools*. Why don't I just go ahead and put bleach in my cereal?
I suppose I understand the logic of fako sugar, but wouldn't it be easier to just practice moderation with sweets? That way, when you let yourself have one, it's even better because you made yourself wait. If you go around devouring plates of oatmeal raisins like a flesh-colored cookie monster, I think you have bigger problems than a little sugar anyway. If you're going to sabotage your health, may as well go ahead and do it right.
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The P*ssy Lane and other Driving Annoyances
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59 Views
01/06/09
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I love my car and I love to drive. Being forced to take public transportation 4 days a week due to high gas prices and parking costs and availability has only reinforced this passion. But, as with many other things, there are aspects of it the piss me off to the utmost.
I think the biggest of my pet peeves is people that drive slow in what is considered the "fast" lane. On a four-lane highway, this is the lane to the far left. On a two-lane highway, this is simply the left lane. Now, I like to speed. I speed everywhere. I even speed to places I don't want to go to. It's just the way I drive. Motorist etiquette says that when someone pulls up behind you going at a higher speed than that at which you are currently traveling, you need to get the hell over into the next lane so they can pass. But does that happen? No. One driver will hold up the entire left lane going 40mph in a Honda Civic because, apparently, they fear they will travel back in time like Marty McFly if they break 45.
And it's not always some old fogey like you would expect it to be. Sometimes you finally manage to pull around this jackass and it's some 35-year-old in a bowtie with his hands on the wheel at exactly ten and two. To these people: if you are not going to keep up with the traffic, please get your ass in the p*ssy lane. What is the p*ssy lane, you ask? The p*ssy lane is the far right lane (or the right lane if a two-lane highway) reserved for people too paranoid, nervous or chickenshit to break the speed limit. This includes old people, newly licensed drivers, luxury car owners intent on wasting all the horsepower they paid for and other miscellaneous driving incompetents. I would greatly appreciate if all of you people just stayed in that one lane.
Then we have those motorists that seem to have no concern whatsoever for 1)their own personal safety. 2) the safety of others 3) their property and 4) the property of others. We all know this driver. The darting-through-traffic-at-70mph driver. Look, if you have a death wish, that's cool. If you're driving like as asshole, you probably are an asshole. So what happens if you die? One less asshole for me to deal with. BUT, if you are really determined to end it all, I really wish you would leave me and every other person on the road out of it. There are better ways to commit suicide than by car crash. I would suggest hanging. If you do it, right you die instantly of a broken neck. Yeah, there is a slight chance you could end up choking to death for ten minutes, but really, what are the odds. . . .
Next up on the hitlist: people that ride their bikes in the street. Sorry, but I don't give a bit of a damn that law says you can't ride on the sidewalk. You need to understand that you are not a car. Now, some bike riders make an effort to at least stay in the bike lane or keep over to the side. The people that get me are the ones that are darting through traffic as if they have bumpers and turn signals and will get pissed if you honk at them. Let's get one thing straight: I am in a two ton automobile. You are on 15 pounds of aluminum and rubber. You don't wanna piss me off.
Cabdrivers: Fuck you. . . .All of you.. . . In the ass. . . . With a board. . . . .With a nail in it.
What else. . . . ? Ah. People that double park in the street and those that hesitate too long at stop signs and streetlight. First, the world does not revolve around whatever random ass errand you needed to do. It is so inconsiderate to foist your inane shit on everyone around you. Would it really take that much longer to pull over? What, you didn't wanna park by the fire hydrant? Newsflash: you have as much chance of getting ticketed and towed sitting by the fire hydrant as you do sitting in the street. May as well pull over. And where the hell is the parking authority anyway?! If I even thought about double parking, I would have a ticket. People just sitting at a light long after it has turned green: what are you? Narcoleptic? WAKE THE HELL UP AND GO.
And what list of stupid shit encountered while behind the wheel would be complete without retarded pedestrians? I swear. . . . between people darting into the street at the last moment and other people taking their sweet time crossing against the light, I'm about fed up. I guess when you look it, this phenomenon is really just a modern-day example of natural selection. Mother Nature culling the herd of the stupidest of us. But still. . . . I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who will win in 4000lb car going 40mph vs dumbass on foot going 3mph. And yet people still stroll out into the street like they're picking daisies in a field. Dear god, I hope they haven't bred. . . .
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I Hate Morning People
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64 Views
12/29/08
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I really, truly hate getting up in the morning. The reasons for that are a whole other blog in and of themselves, so we'll suffice for now with emphasizing how truly difficult it is for me to get out of bed on any given day. Now, if I've had a good 9-11 hours of sleep, my morning grumpiness is generally minimized. This does not, however, mean that when I wake up, I am good and ready to jump into the day. It takes me at least an hour to get going on the best day; two or three on a bad one. During this initial wake-up time, there are two things which are of vital importance to me and which tend influence my mindset for the rest of the day: quiet and coffee. I don't want to talk. I don't want to hear anyone else taking. I don't want to think about anything of any particular importance. All I want to do is drink my coffee and allow my mind to emerge naturally from it's sleep addled state. If I don't get get these two things or if they are somehow interrupted or cut short, well. . . I can't necessarily be held responsible for what might happen the rest of the day.
Now, I realize that this is not the norm for everyone. Some people are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed every morning no matter what time it is. They jump out of bed raring to go and ready to take the world by the horns. They are cheerful and alert and can easily overcome any lingering fatigue from the night before as quickly and easily as you can say "good morning". . . .
I hate these people. A lot.
While I do not begrudge anyone whatever they like to do in the morning, be it starting the day with a workout or some yoga right down to lighting up a joint, I find myself becoming violently annoyed when they try to drag me into it. I am not a morning person. Never have been. Never will be. My mind is not firing on all cylinders before a certain hour. The only parts of my brain that are active are the basic motor skills portion and the angry-stabby-bitchy portion. The one part has no coherent thoughts. The other part just wants everyone to go away or die, whichever comes first. It is a vertiable recipe for disaster.
And as if just daring to be cheerful in the a.m. isn't enough, the worst part about morning people is that they don't seem to realize that there are some who don't wish to be engaged at that hour. They chatter away happily like everyone gives a shit about whatever the hell they're talking about. Not that there probably isn't someone that does, but personally, all I can hear of what anyone says before 9a.m. is the waah-waah sound all the adults in every Charlie Brown special make. And as irritating as that sound is, I think I'm justified in wishing they would shut the fuck up and disappear for two hours.
Some may be wondering why I'm bringing this up. Well, for the obvious reason that I seem to be some sort of magnet for these people. The rate at which I attract them is positively surreal. I am not ashamed to say that I look like a cross between a zombie and a schizo in the morning. Is that really the face of a person that wants a pleasant chat? No, it's the face of a person that's going to end up as the suspect on a 48 Hours mystery.
I really don't understand what's getting lost in translation.
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Dear Daytime T.V.
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58 Views
09/29/08
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I don't know quite how to say this. We've been together for a long time, but. . . . I think it's time we went our separate ways. Wait. . . . let me finish.
I remember when I first saw you. In second grade, the teacher used to bring the t.v. into the classroom so we could watch Sesame Street while we ate lunch. I think that's when it began, when I started to fall in love with you. Then there were all those youthful summers when I discovered everything you had to offer: gameshows, soap operas, 8 gazillion talk shows, reruns of classic t.v. During the school year, I used to look forward to holidays and sick days where we could spend time together; just you, me and Jerry Springer.
But lately, Daytime t.v.. . . . . you've changed. I don't feel like I know you at all anymore. *sigh* I guess it all began when the soap operas started recycling story lines. I was willing to let that slide and did for quite a while. I mean, we've been together so long, Daytime t.v,. and relationships are all about give and take. I figured that you were just going through a rough patch and I just needed to hang in there while you took some time to get yourself together.
Then every Maury Povich Show started being about paternity test results. I really wasn't happy about that, but I didn't know how to tell you. I guess you thought you were doing the right thing and giving me what I wanted. I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
But, Daytime t.v., when Bob Barker retired from The Price is Right, I knew we had a problem. It was like you didn't care what I wanted, like you were going to do any old thing you pleased and to hell with me.
It was all down hill from there what with the proliferation of courtroom shows and random B-list celebrity talk shows. There are no more cartoons in the afternoons. Mr. Rogers Neighborhood is gone AND you changed the theme song to Sesame Street. Wtf? Also, who in hell is Judge Karen? It's not like there aren't enough judges already. What's happening to you, Daytime t.v.?!
*Cry* I thought long and hard about this decision before I made it. After much soul searching, I truly think it's the right thing to do. I just don't care about you the way I used to anymore. I love you but I'm not IN love with you. We're different people now and it's time we moved on from each other. I-I. . . . I'm seeing Netflix now.
I know you may not wanna here this, but you'll find someone else. Someone who'll love you the way you deserve to be loved. Please don't make this harder for me by begging. Yes, I know Inside Edition is still on, but that's just not good enough for me anymore. We can still be friends. I'll come by and see you every now and again.
For now, I just want to remember the good times. . . . The Bozo Show, Jenny Jones, Let's Make a Deal, Oprah (when she was good). . . .
Trust me, it's better this way.
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Open Letter to the Chicago Transit Authority
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48 Views
07/17/08
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Dear CTA,
Though, I know you have been dedicated to providing late night transportation to winos and crackheads for many years now (and don't believe that we don't all appreciate being approached for money by intoxicated persons at 1 a.m.), I have several issues with you that I feel we need to address.
First up, I have serious grievances with your scheduling practices. Contrary to popular belief, showing-up-whenever-the-hell-you-want is not a schedule. Buses and trains arriving and departing at regular intervals is more the type services I was looking. It would seriously impact the amount of people I have to slap in the back of head after they attempt to run me down trying to get a seat on the bus and subsequent incidences of police dispatchment.
Also, I must insist that you desist operation of those tiny hybrid buses on high-volume routes. Although, I do appreciate your attempts at fuel efficiency, these vehicles are not practical for the quantities of persons riding. Perhaps I should take a moment to remind you that Chicago has recently earned the prestigious title of "Fattest City in America". As such, tiny buses with tiny seats do not really serve the majority of your consumers well. Having been sat on more than once by one of Chicago's more robust citizens, I must assist that you either continue to operate the extra-long buses with high passenger capacities and larger seating or provide complimentary cattle prods to those of that may need assistance to keep from being suffocated beneath other riders' considerable girth. Purchasing horse trailers customized with the CTA logo may also be a option.
Additionally, I take extreme exception to current bus and trains fares. Chicagoans pay the highest public transportation fees in the United States. Considering the quality of the service and the aesthetic and mechanical state of the fleet, I am not entirely sure that these prices are justified. The high instances of vehicle malfunction (many of which conveniently take place in the middle of expressway) certainly indicate that CTA monies are not being dispersed as they should be. However, I am certain that if any embezzled funds are diverted back into approved CTA accounts post haste (no questions asked, of course), basic needs ranging from routine maintenance of engines and heating and cooling systems to urine eradification inside vehicles and stations would more than properly funded. Other financial issues may be addressed by decreasing the current salaries of bus and train operators as their job performance is generally comparable to that of a five dollar prostitute.
Lastly, I am not entirely comfortable with your most recent proposal regarding the removal of seats on some train cars during rush hours to allow for more riders. Although I do understand and sympathize with your conundrum of passenger volume vs available space vs funding, I do not think a further decrease in service standards is the solution. Some time ago, Illinois governor Rod "Dumb Ass" Blagojevich instituted a policy mandating that all seniors over the age of 65 would receive free public transportation despite the then-current budget deficit the CTA was facing. In light of our beloved governor's recent connection to certain corrupt individuals in the public government, I do understand the motive behind his attempt to curry favor with the constituency. Taken with the Chicago elderly's tendency to crash 1968 Cadillac Eldorados into storefronts and large groups of people, it wasn't necessarily a bad proposal. However, in consideration of the fact you will be raising fares next year, I think it would be nice if all of the paying ridership had a place to sit after taking it up the ass from the city, county and state governments yet again. In essence, it is time to make those old bastards pay.
I appreciate your prompt attention to these matters as I hope you appreciate my candor.
Sincerely,
Etc.
P.S. Congratulations on 33 consecutive days without a derailment.
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Reproduction Prerequisites
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125 Views
07/02/08
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So, like most women over the age of 25, I always notice when a man is wearing a wedding ring or, in some cases, the tan line where his wedding ring should be. As I approach spinsterhood, it's probably the 3rd thing I eyeball guys for, the first two being nice eyes and nice teeth. If I guy passes the inspection, we move to stage two. If there is a wedding ring, the slick old cougar part of me shuts down. That doesn't mean that I immediately stop talking to the guy, just that he is officially off-limits. In operating this way, I have discovered an emerging trend that I must say I find terrifying: stupid people that have been given the opportunity to breed.
Say I'm standing in Starbucks waiting on my caramel chai latte and a gentleman strikes up a conversation, as happens from time to time. Now, depending on how tolerant I'm feeling that day, I will either deign to endure him for the five minutes it takes to get my drink or mace him (and by mace, I mean that stick with the spiky ball attached it with a chain). Assuming it's the latter, I am sometimes stuck talking to a guy that keeps getting stupider and stupider as the minutes pass and, consequently, begins dragging my own IQ down.
Now, jingling your car keys around in front of them will usually give you enough of an opening to make an escape, but I'm always haunted by the incident when it's apparent that these dudes are married. It's even more appalling if I'm observing them in their natural habitat (i.e. the parking lot of the nearest home improvement or automotive parts store) accompanied by their wives and *drum roll* their wives AREN'T stupid.
*sigh* Ladies, I know society has brainwashed us into believing that if we don't pair up and breed within a set span of time that we have somehow failed as women, but I need you to think of future generations here when selecting a mate. One day, the great hair and nice teeth will be gone then you will be sitting in a nursing home next to the intellectual equivalent of hamster (the sure fate of First Lady Laura Bush) wondering how much you'll have to bribe the orderly to pull the plug on one of you. At that point, it probably won't matter much to you which one it is as long as the pain stops.
Men, this goes for you too. I know you like sex (we like it too!) and you usually don't go into it intending to procreate, but, unless you've been snipped, there's always the chance of reproduction. Then what? You have your night of fun with a buxom but not-so-bright beauty then BAM! Nine months later, you got Anna Nicole Smith Jr. Not that you won't take care of your own, but what happens after you're dead? Anyone that goes to McDonald's gets their order f*cked up, that's what.
So I am officially proposing that all intelligent people have potential sex partners and mates meet certain reproductive prerequisites before attempting intercourse. Some sort of common sense test as well as a traditional IQ test is recommended. If they fail, especially the common sense portion, just say "no"! I know it's hard. Sometimes stupid people are hot, but then so is jailbait. And like jailbait (mostly looking at you here, men), sex with a stupid person doesn't lead anywhere good. Hell, sometimes it leads to reality television where your bad judgment is mocked again and again by entire world. Just ask Nick Lachey.
I'm counting on everyone to do their part here.
That is all.
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Sure Ways For Men To Lose Women
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91 Views
04/29/08
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1. Spending way too much time with your friends- hey, it's fine if you wanna hang out, but disappearing to Tijuana, MX and returning four days later with a tattoo on your ass that reads "no fat chicks" is not acceptable.
2. Always leaving the toilet seat up - If we wanna go for a swim, we generally like to do it on a sunny beach in mid-summer; not at 6 a.m. and half asleep. There's better ways to wake up in morning.
3. Flatulence - hey, everyone farts. But you KNOW when you're about to a silent but deadly one rip. At least tell us so we can leave the room.
4. Stop taking care of yourself and sit around in a pair of short swith a giant hole in the crotch drinking beer and flipping the television between sports and scrambled porn.
5. Ask us to bring one of our friends or close relatives to a threesome.
6. Hide any contact you've been having with ex-girlfriends - it just makes you look guilty if you're keeping it a secret. If there's nothing going on, you have nothing to worry about. We'd hate to be unjustified in smashing up your plasma screen tv with a hammer.
7. Lie about where you've been - Unless you were buying an engagement ring, there's no reason for it. This is pretty much the fastest way to having all your clothes cut up and burned in the front yard.
8. Call us by an ex-girlfriend's name - Nuff said :)
8.
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Hookin' ain't easy
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61 Views
04/21/08
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It's become a pop culture catchphrase that "pimpin' ain't easy". Now I always thought that was bullshit. How hard can it be to drive around in a cadillac shaking down hoes for money? Half the time, they don't even have to get out of the car. It's like going to a drive-through atm that you occasionally have to slap upside the head.
If you ask me, hooking is the the job that ain't easy. You're sleeping with random gross men, dodging cops and giving half, if not more, of your money to some 70s throwback in a leopard print hat. Now, imagine trying to do all that AND not get stoned to death.
I was watching t.v. the other day and there was this commercial for the show "House" where the main character is telling someone that she looks like an Afghani prostitute That got me to wondering: do conservative Muslim countries even have prostitutes? I mean, think about it. In some of these places, you can seriously get killed for looking at a man sideways. So what's the penalty for prostitution? Being drawn and quartered?
I mean, this has got to be the most high risk job in the world. You would think that, in strict Muslim communities, prostitution would have been stomped out long ago. Then too, there are plenty of people who I'm sure would rather buy indoor plumbing than pay for sex. After all, clean running water is the gift that keeps on giving.
But knowing the nature of men, I'm willing to bet there are a few here and there. Yet how do these ladies of the night operate without being killed? They'd have to be like ninja hookers, blessed with the stealth of a jungle cat plus the ability to run in four-inch heels.
And how provocatively could they possibly dress? I mean, advertising would be a serious catch-22 for them. In America, you roll down the street and see a woman wearing leather chaps, a fishnet halter top and a fur coat: yeah, that's probably a prostitute. But what would an Iraqi or an Irani or a Saudi prostitute wear? I mean, you wanna show off the goods, but you don't want to end up being lynched. Maybe the ninja hooker stealth comes into play here too. They flash guys then melt into the shadows, waiting to see if he follows or spits in her general direction; in which case the hooker then escape across the rooftops, stilettos and all.
Then what might the pimp situation be? In this case, it would seem safer to have a pimp. He could be a liaison between the prostitute and potential clients, like a bullet proof vest in a pinky ring and a purple suit . Because you know these girls gotta screen people seriously. Its either have a pimp or a hold an Uzi on every john. Then again, it seems like the Middle East is highly fond of their assaults weapons. This could potentially become a very popular fetish.
Maybe the prostitutes are all call girls. There can't be any strip clubs there (yes, some strippers do hook. no, not all of them, but it happens) and walking the streets has got to be a serious hazard to a ho's health between suicide bombings and random people yelling "let's burn the whore!"
But given the lack of many of the fronts that prostitutes use in the US - massage parlors, "escort" services and the like - even being a call girl has got to be difficult. I mean, what the hell could you possibly pose as? The Red Cross?
If there any sex workers in the Middle East reading this, please comment. I am hella curious about how you pull this off.
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Ah, the good old days
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44 Views
03/13/08
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For once, I was thinking about happy things on the way to work this morning. I don?t know what it was. Maybe it was the fact that the sun was shining or that it wasn?t 20 degrees out or that I was well on my way to being late for work and just didn?t give a shit.
But I got to remembering various things and reminiscing, like what it was like to have lunch with my girls in the Kenwood lunchroom and the summer before my senior year when I interned at the University of Chicago and had lunch most days with my friend Leila. Damn, I miss her. She?s about the happiest person I know, or was, anyway.
Then there was that glorious day when my time in highschool was FINALLY over. Keaka walked out of graduation because they tried to make us sing "I Believe I Can Fly". That shit was hi-larious.
Then my mind turned to when I worked at the Crow?s Nest and how, for most of my three years there, it was just fun to walk in door and only got funner as the day went on. Man, when they put that Chipolte across the street, the Chipotle with the LIQUOR LICENSE. . . . Omg. Imagine, five or six people stumbling back into a record store about two o? clock in afternoon, two of them working the register and pretty much not knowing what was going on.
Oooh! Then there was that one day when Malcolm was screaming at the fat lady. . . . . Jessica at special orders. . . . El, Alex and Matt chasing a shoplifter. . . . the night Bryan told the last dude at listening stations "you gotta bounce, homie.". . . . . processing on Monday night with Madonna in the background because Daniel closed. . . . .
I had a friend named Chris who worked there. He had so much potential and was so intelligent for his age. I was thinking about what he?d be like now if he had lived. Maybe he wouldn?t have changed the world, but I can?t help but believe that it would have been a better place if he was in it. He would have been 24 or 25 this year.
I was thinking about what it was like when I was 20, 21, 22. I was still it college then. Money was really funny, but I had so much hope. It felt like I was working towards something, that as shitty as things were then, there would be brighter days "when I grew up".
If I get off the bus and walk down Van Buren or Jackson in the morning, I see all these college kids. They go to Roosevelt and Robert Morris and Depaul. I remembered what it was to be like them. To get up every morning, as annoying as it was, and go to class because, hey, this is all going to pay off one day, right?
You know, I?m no optimist or altruist (if you hadn?t noticed), but there are sometimes when I think there are some things I would never wish on other people. . . . and other times when I?d sacrifice a live goat to Satan to have someone get their comeuppance. But this morning, as I was walking past all those kids, they going in one direction in and me in the other, I couldn?t help but hope that they never lost that feeling of striving for a goal. That they didn?t wake up one morning thinking that it was all for nothing, that nothing they did mattered, that none of the choices they made changed a damn thing. It?s the worse feeling.
*sigh*
Ah, the good old days. . . . .
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Form Rejection from a Literary Agent
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95 Views
03/07/08
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Dear [Insert Name of Person Whose Dream I Am About to Crush],
Thank you for allowing me to read [Insert Whatever Book Title Was. I Don't Really Know because My Assistant Read it/Tossed it on the Slush Pile]. After carefully considering the fact that you are not a previously published author with a proven track record of profitable sales, I regret to inform you that I am not able to offer you representation at this time. I am far too busy with my current client list to give you even a half-assed chance. Although its probably a waste of your time, I hope you continue to waste money on paper, postage and return postage soliciting twenty other agents who also don't care and may not even have the courtesy to send you a rejection letter. If you actually manage to find a publisher on your own, I would be happy to reconsider taking 10-15% of your money for doing absolutely nothing. Good luck in all your endeavors. You're going to need it.
Haha, Loser. Suck it.
Signed,
Big Faceless Literary Agency
*sigh*
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Tagged it seems
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51 Views
03/03/08
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I've been tagged and I will be a good sport and play along with some fact and habits about myself.
1. I'm starting to doubt there is a God.
2. I may possibly have PMDD.
3. I'd would really like to own a taser.
4. Every now and again I read a trashy romance novel.
5. There is a very high probability that I will never get married.
6. I will never be happy in a job that isn't geared towards my interests.
7. I do not yet have the patience to have children.
8. I find the pain of getting a tattoo pleasurable.
9. I want to be a published author more than anything else.
10. sex: I could take it or leave it.
lol. There's not really anyone left to tag\, but here's two.
1. MamaVoodoo - because I pray I'm as cool as she is when I'm her age.
2. Thanateros - because everything he writes is wonderfully refreshing
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Prince Harry in Afghanistan
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33 Views
02/29/08
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Yesterday, the news broke that the United Kingdom's Prince Harry was on the front in Afghanistan and had been since December. You know what I say to that: good for him!
Back in the day, a country's leader never asked of the general population what he wasn't willing to do himself. From the dark ages, if there was a war happening the king or the chief or whoever was right there on the front, not f*cking two thousand miles away getting fifth- or sixth-hand updates from flunkies. And not only was he personally there, but if he had sons of fighting age, they were there too. If everyone else could send their sons to get killed, so could he. It was a mark of honor to die bravely in battle. Even in America's early years, our leaders fought. Washington, Grant and up as far as Eisenhower were military men, real military men not pussies who joined some branch of the armed forces because daddy forced them to or to have something to look good on their resume and never came close to seeing real action.
Good for Prince Harry who is willing to do for his country what any other man would do, especially since his family doesn't have any real political power and hasn't since the Magna Carta was signed. The only thing the Windsors do is sit there and make the country look pretty. Harry didn't have to go any damned where if he didn't want to, but he did. Super extra props to him for manning up.
Meanwhile here in America, we have our government talking about how we need to be prepared to stay in Iraq for the next ten years. But are any of their kids over there getting blown away for their bullshit agenda? NO! It's regular ass poor people buying into all their crap about fighting for our freedom and the freedom of the Iraqi people. That would be great and all. . .. if it were true, but I don't believe for a second that is really what this "war" was about. And it makes me even madder that our troops are over there actually believing this shit, that they are getting maimed and dying for a just cause. What kind of people take advantage of that sort of trusting innocence?! Then these people come home to a parade (if they're lucky) before proceeding to be tossed away by liek a piece of garbage by the federal government. Yep, America treats its veterans like crap.
And you mean to tell me that we should stay in Iraq for another 10 years?! Bullsh*t. . . UNLESS all these warmongers rallying for a longer occupation are willing to send one of their own beloved family members on over for target practice. When they come back traumatized or maimed or in a box, we'll see how in favor of the war they are then.
Once again, cheers Harry! Your mother would be proud.
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Ten Factors Contributing to American Obesity
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57 Views
02/12/08
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10. elective physical fitness - So, I actually HATED gym in school. I was one of those kids who managed to always get hit in the face by whatever ball we happened to be playing with. Volleyball, basketball, soccer ball: I know how they all taste. But I'm glad the school district made me do it. Otherwise, I would have had no physical activity at all. Contrary to popular belief, swinging a Wii joystick around is not a workout.
9. Pizza buffets - Yes, these exist. I saw a commercial for one the other day and I was like "wtf?!" PIZZA buffet?! You can't help but think there's probably an ambulance idling on the curb outside this place waiting to take heart attack victims to the hospital.
8. McGriddles - Not that these things aren't good (they are!), but this is basically a pancake sandwich. Need I say more?
7. Frappaccinos - average grande frappaccino has about 600 calories. That's damn near half an average person's recommended daily caloric intake and you KNOW it doesn't fill you up. It's like drinking Slimfast. Shake for breakfast and lunch. my ass. Not really gonna do any good if you go to TGI Friday's for dinner.
6. Mountain Dew - Check out the Wikipedia entry on this. It's almost liquid crack. Mountain Dew has more caffeine than Coca-Cola, a load of high fructose corn syrup and fucking vegetable oil in it. You trying to kill us Pepsi Co? Mountain Dew is also an antiquated euphemism for moonshine. Back in the day it had hillbillies on the label. And we know how much hillbillies know about nutrition and proper dental care.
5. Deep fried twinkies and similar genius food ideas- One day, someone was sitting around and had the bright idea to deep fry a twinkie. . . . then other people ate it and said it was good. . . . . Okay. Why don't I just go eat Crisco straight out of the can while I'm at it?
4. Rascals - you know. Those little carts with the basket you see people riding around on? If you are not 90 or handicapped in some way, I see little reason for a person to be on one of these things.
3. food delivery services and drive-thrus - Laziness could work in people's favor here. Personsally, if I'm craving a cupcake at home and there's no cupcakes, then I eat something else. No special trips will be made. And I'm sure if I had to get out of the car and stand in line at McDonald's, I'd be having much less of that too. Imagine how much weight would be lost because all people had in the house was saltines and baking soda?
2. escalators and motorized walkways (moving sidewalks) - Escalators are generally found in places where the distance between floors isn't that great. Unless you have some sort of joint deformity where you knees don't bend, you can walk a few dozen feet up some stairs. And motorized walkways. . . . those aren't even on an incline! Give me a break!
and the number one thing I believe is contributing to American obesity:
availability. Ever walk into the kitchen and eat something just because its there? You weren't really hungry, but you figured "what the hell?" and ate it anyway? This is a concept that applies to so many things in our society. From comfort eating to impulse buying and beyond. We have far too many things here and we appreciate little of it. We consume, consume, consume without thinking about it. Nothing is good in excess, NOTHING. Its great to live in a country where you can pretty much get anything you want, but just because you can doesn't mean that you should. We don't always want things that are good for us. I just hope it doesn't take deprivation for us to finally be able to practice moderation.
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Gourmet is a Synonym for Disgusting
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44 Views
01/25/08
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I'm beginning to think that gourmet is a synonym for disgusting. Nothing I have ever tasted that claims to be "gourmet" has ever been better than it's normal counterpart. Sometimes, it's even worse.
Lots of people automatically assume that because more exotic and expensive ingredients are being used in a food ( thereby raising its total retail price), it will taste better. Pfft. More expensive does not always necessarily equal better. Case in point: the other day at work, I had a "gourmet" cupcake. Now, it wasn't bad. The topping on it was actually very good, real whipped cream as opposed to a pound of sugar, some food coloring and a little water. But considering how much it cost, I was unimpressed over all. I could have got a cupcake just as good and half as cheap at the nearest gas station.
Gourmet could also translate to "no taste". "Gourmet" meals I've had seem to have had little added to them but things that will make them taste the most like there's been nothing added at all. What the hell is that about? I just paid $20 for a chicken breast. Can you put some salt on it or something?!
Then too, I can't say that I can really tell the difference between say Hagen Dazs and any other old ice cream. . . well, except for the fact that a pint of Hagen Das cost the same as a gallon of anything else.
I don't know. Maybe I've just been eating the wrong gourmet foods. Or maybe they really all do taste like crap and chefs everywhere are laughing their asses off as people order overpriced meals where they've made up ingredients as they go along. If you ever read the descriptions of some of these foods in the restaurant, a lot of times, the components are things that you wouldn't expect to taste good together. Yeah, sometimes they work out. . . . and sometimes they don't.
You think a gourmet chili dog with fava beans and feta cheese sounds good?
Me neither.
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Shallowest. . . . Show. . . . Ever
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54 Views
01/16/08
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Okay, so on Sunday I was watching "Make Me a Supermodel" on Bravo. Why? Because it was Sunday and nothing is on on Sunday and I was only half paying attention anyway, so I was figured Bravo was a good channel to leave the t.v. on while I dusted my furniture. Anyway, its one of those reality shows where people are picked to compete for $100,000 and a contract with some upper tier modeling agency in New York City. Now, if you're even semi-familiar with the fashion world, you know that there weren't going to be too many profound, deep moments out of a series called "Make Me a Supermodel", but I have to admit that I was absolutely astounded by the degree of shallowness conveyed, surprisingly not by the models, but the producers and pretty much everyone else on this thing. And there's only been TWO episodes so far. It can only get worse from here.
The first episodes starts off in your typical reality show contest mode, showing the scouts visiting major cities auditioning potential models. I missed the very beginning, but I think they said something like 1500 people tried out. Out of those 1500 or more, only 14 would go on to compete on the show. 14! Even at just 1500, that means only .9% of the people that came out were considered good looking enough to model. That got me to wondering if that number was representative of the rest of the population. By fashion world standards, are only .9% of people qualified to properly wear and compliment haute couture (sp?) clothing? If so, I really don't understand why this minority is being used to market these clothes because PRACTICALLY NO ONE FVCKING LOOKS LIKE THAT!
And who decided this was the standard of beauty anyway? Anyone ever look at classical art? How many stick figure girls has anyone seen seen in works that are considered masterpieces? Almost none. Women then were depicted as round and healthy and robust and THAT was beautiful. A full figure was desired because it epitomized femininity and fertility. There is no universe in which a picture of some 90 pound anorexic in a Dolce & Gabbana ad will EVER compare to a Boticelli. So wtf?
This is why we get young girls with bad self images who only add to that negativity by becoming materialistic. Popular culture holds up an "ideal" that is pretty much unachievable, a genetic crapshoot, and people buy into it because somebody who knows shit about anything that really matters says it cool. So millions of women everywhere figure, "well, if I can't have that body, maybe if I get these clothes or these shoes or that purse, I will feel better, I will look better, I will BE better". And, of course, that's not true. It's just big business playing on people's insecurities to make money.
Anyway, they pick out 24 people to bring back to New York where they will cull the herd some more. They have them pose and strut the catwalk and model clothing. It is at this point in the show where one of the hosts, who happens to be Tyson Beckford (one of the few male supermodels), announces that everyone is gonna model bathing suits after which he remarks "this is one of the times when everyone wishes they hadn't had that donut this morning". What?! Number one: that is perhaps one of the gayest things I have ever head a "straight" man say. Number 2: Yeah, I understand certain food can make you bloat or make you look just that much less lean, but WHAT?! Comments like that just goes to show you how unappreciative people can be of the privileges granted to them. There's people in the world that don't have donuts, never tasted a donut, don't know what a donut is. They drink dirty water and don't eat regularly. And here is someone that disdains a food because they think it will make them look fat?! This is actually a weird flipside of the same coin, because, on the other side is the reality that America is a country of obesity. On one hand, you got the super skinny people who turn down what others beg for without any thought, then on the other you have fatties who can barely walk scarfing down far more than they need, enough to feed two or three people at a more healthy weight. There is just something very wrong to me about a girl with her ribs sticking out sashaying down a runway and having her be termed beautiful. Put that same girl in Ethiopia and she'd be a Save the Children commercial.
After that, they finish cutting people and get their lineup for the season then on to the second episode. The second episode mostly consisted of the contestants in a photo shoot and a bathing suit runway walk towards the end. On one segment, they have the models practicing their walks and this one chick who casts photo shoots critiquing them. It was un-be-lievable. She and the other host, model Nikki Taylor, were actually laughing at this one guy because they thought his walk looked retarded. B*tch, you're on national t.v. judging the way someone puts one foot in front of the other. Is there a way to walk wrong? Are they trying to make me believe that walking like your underwear is up your ass is the correct form of human locomotion? Is she an an expert on walking or something If so, I'd love to see this beautiful walk that she obviously perfected. Or I'd like her to shut the hell up and stop ridiculing people for something she couldn't do better if her life depended on it.
The last kicker of the program was when Tyson took all 14 of the people down to the banks of the Hudson River. It's like 30 degrees outside, cold enough to see their breaths in the air, and they're all standing next to this garbage can fire. He starts talking to them about how when people want to remake themselves they have to give up something from their old lives. It was for this purpose that the producers had asked them to wear some of their favorite and best clothes. They wanted the contestants to take off articles to burn in the fire. So Tyson is standing there and asking them how badly they want this dream of being a model and, I kid you not, people start taking off their clothes in below freezing weather and burning them in this trash can. Not everyone took off everything, but there were a few people standing there in there underwear by the end, all except one guy. Then Tyson goes "it's good to know how dedicated some people are to reaching their goals. You can see who wants it more." Pfft. Whatever. I think it demonstrated more how lacking some people are in common sense and how eager they are to conform and give up all individuality. Swear to god I could hear someone chanting in the background "one of us, one of us". Out of fourteen people, only one guy was like "fuck that, it's cold out here". Everyone else just thought it was easier to follow the crowd. It never occurred to anyone that companies might not want to hire a model that lost two toes to frostbite. These are the sorts of people that are chosen to put on t.v., to be famous, to be rich, people you can convince with the smallest incentive to disregard basic knowledge they've been aware of their entire lives. *sigh*
I think I'll keep watching. How can I stop? It's like a car crash.
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Bottled Water: Another Stupid Yuppie Expense
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89 Views
01/07/08
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So here in Chicago, the city government has just levied a tax on bottled water in order to raise more revenue. This is in addition to 2% tax that already exists on all consumables. When the tax kicked in on January 1st, people were up in arms like they hadn't known for a few months that this was going to happen. How dare the city put a tax on "fancy" water? Well, I say if you're stupid enough to pay for something you can get free, than you can afford an extra few cents on a bottle.
Buying bottled water doesn't make any sense in the first place. The people that bottle this crap are playing on the hypochondriac fears of millions of people in order to push their products. Ironically, most bottled water isn't any better than water you get out of the tap. This isn't Mexico or India or some other place where, if you're even lucky enough to have indoor plumbing in the first place, tap water might kill you. There are people in third world countries still going to polluted ass ponds and creeks for drinking water. Dysentery is rampant. Yet, here dumb asses are paying upwards of two dollars per bottle in disdain of what others would give a limb for. To top it off, Chicago is known for having some of the cleanest water in the United States, so wtf?!
And another thing, everyone thinks bottled water is soooo much better because it came from some mountain spring in Canada or Switzerland or insert-exotic-locale-here. Okay, number one, not all bottled water is spring water. A good percentage of it is FILTERED water. That's right. Someone took regular old water just like we're pulling from lake michigan and ran it through a filter and some genius is paying $2 dollars a day or more for it. If it's that serious, you can put a filter on your tap at home and it would be just as good, maybe, even better. You know why? Because the Food and Drug Administration regulation of bottled water is actually LESS strict than the Environmental Protection Agency's regulation on public water supplies. In some cases, bottlers are actually pulling water from the same sources some people would be getting their tap water from anyway and purifying it. Even after the purification, bottled water isn't really much different than top water. So you just paid for the same ass water you could have got for free. How much sense does that make? Too cheap to by a filtration system? Boil and put it in the fridge. Voila! Ghetto bottled water. At the very least, boiling will take care of most little microscopic beasties that may be swimming around in there.
What about spring water some may ask? Well, what about it? You telling me that some water a moose probably pissed in is better than the treated water you get at home? Seriously, most spring water comes from underground springs and aquifers. You know the lovely fresh forest and the rushing waterfall on the Poland Springs bottle? Well, there's no guarantee what you're drinking came from there. Bottlers can draw water from different sources and market it all under the same name. So what's that about? Sounds like some false advertising to me and what's the purpose of that? If the water's pure and coming from a pure source, what need is there to hide it's origin?
I think the urban legend of tap water being dangerous is nothing but big business hype, beverage companies spreading rumors so they can get gullible consumers to by their swill. If you're living in darkest Africa, yeah, bottled water might be a good idea even if it is just filtered because it's probably gonna be better than drinking water from a muddy hole that a herd of wildebeasts bathed in. But in America or Great Britain, Canada and most European countries, safe water isn't generally a problem.
Some people say that they just like the taste of bottled water better which is all well and good. You like what you like. But for people who drink it because they think it's better than tap water and don't live in rural Pakistan, well, you're probably just wasting your money. I'm sure, Coca-Cola thanks you, though.
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